Monday, March 7 12:00 AM ET

Supreme Court Bans Violent Video Games

Washington, DC - In a landmark 7-2 decision, the Supreme Court found in favor of the people in the controversial case "The People vs. TakeTwo Interactive Software." The ruling effectively bans not only violent video games, but all forms of violent media. People found to possess such media could be subjected to fines, imprisonment, or burning at the stake.

The prosecution successfully argued that all kids exposed to violent images and themes invariably and inevitably copied them with disastrous results, represented by the Columbine and Plainfield tragedies.

Jace Wheeler, a member of the group Christian Advocates, had mixed feelings about the outcome of the case his group had lobbied for over six months. "While I'm delighted about getting rid of the Grand Theft Auto and them Matrixes, I don't understand why they had to ban the Bible too."

The decision stunned many across the country and resulted in banning of The Bible, written by God, for its violent and sadomasochistic themes, including a popular story about a man who liked to be whipped and hung on crosses. The book has also been criticized for its graphic descriptions of the male and female anatomy, and its detailed accounts of wars, plagues, and global catastrophes.

The legislation hit schools especially hard by the new legislation. According to Fourth Grade teacher Mary Popples, "The history textbook I use has been blacked out, from the rioting on board the Mayflower all the way to the war in Iraq. Only two years of Calvin Coolidge's presidency remain. How are the kids supposed to learn how the hated French decimated the Indians in the French and Indian War if it's all censored out?"

Another unanticipated victim of the Supreme Court's decision was the News Media. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and others were banned from reporting news about violence. Ten minutes after the ban was imposed, all major news networks were forced to shut down due to lack of interest.

This week, local governments across the country are hosting bonfires where citizens are encouraged to discard their violent books, DVDs, comic books, CDs, video games, and videocassette recordings of old NYPD Blue episodes.