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Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Pay close attention to that Cunning Visions tape, you might miss something.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You will waste several days taking dance lessons before realizing it's Deus ex Machina and not Deus ex Macarena.
Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You will be publicly humiliated when you let it slip that you think "feces" are baby mice.
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will awake in confused and sore after testing your homemade taser.
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Today you will learn the true meaning of 'PC Load Letter'.
Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You mean the world to your father, just not during the Playboy Bunny edition of Fear Factor. Go color something.
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Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
It's not the heat or the humidity, it's the giant tapeworm in your colon that's making you sweat.
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You can lead a horse to water, but filet du pony sure beats starving in the desert.
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's probably not a massive cerebral hemorrhage, but you might want to finish up your game of freecell anyway.
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Excessive heat is the most common cause of computer component failure, but being stupid with the soldering iron is a close second.
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Selling sunglasses at the beach seemed like a great idea until you realized they're made of wax.
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Good News: You finally tracked down the cause of the server crash at work. Bad News: It was your pr0n collection.
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