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Monday, December 12 12:00 PM ET

Bush Calls for End of Sports Welfare

By Ima Fish

Detroit , MI - With the news that the Detroit Lions will have yet another losing season, President George W. Bush announced at his morning press conference his wish to end the National Football League's decades of welfare.

Lions"The NFL has always rewarded the worst performing teams with the best new players," Bush said, "but yet nothing changes with the Detroit Lions. Year after year they get the top draft picks but continue to lose. We as a nation cannot continue rewarding failure. Some teams get used to feeding at the expense of our successful teams, and unfortunately, the cycle of failure gets passed from coach to coach, year after year. In that regard, the Lions never fumble. This nation has to begin rewarding teams who pull themselves up by their bootstraps and win against all misfortune."

After the conference, Vice President Chaney noted how the New England Patriots won three Super Bowls in four years with quarterback Tom Brady.

Cheney said, "We've got teams winning with former college benchwarmers and ex-semi pro players, but the Lions can't even compete with the best players handed to them on a silver platter year after year.

We've got to ask ourselves how this system makes sense."

President Bush said that Texas Republican Representative Ron Paul will shortly introduce the Sports Welfare Reform Act. This bill will mandate that only the most successful teams be given the best players.

Democrats have come out strongly against the bill claiming it could lead to unfairness and put lesser teams at an extreme disadvantage.

Michigan Democrat Representative John Conyers Jr. stated that his party "is concerned that this move could lead to unstoppable dynasties where losing teams never stand a chance at winning. We as a nation should be helping those who need it most. Yeah, even the Lions."

Representative Paul set aside such fears by assuring that "eventually good players will trickle down to those less fortunate teams through free-agency." He ended by saying, "We've got to get tough on these teams. Football is a tough sport and if some teams can't compete with help, they're going to have to fail on their own."

Arizona Republican Senator John McCain broke ranks and came out strongly against the bill. "How are the Cardinals ever going to win a goddamn game without some good players? We shouldn't be punished because of the failure of the Lions! God the Lions suck!"

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Michigan Democratic Senator Debbie Stabenow was quoted as saying, "I don't see why we need this bill. The Lions are going to get a new coach and we'll have a winning season next year. Harrington is about to have a break through, we in this state can feel it."

President Bush stated in an emergency television address this afternoon that "Football is not soccer and it is not basketball. We shouldn't have nets in football, especially safety nets."

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