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Tuesday, August 29 12:00 AM EDT

Things to Do if Your Laptop Battery Explodes

11. Make your own replacement battery out of AA batteries and duct tape.
10. Duck and cover.
9. Keep pretending to use the computer so you don't have to help with chores around the house.
8. Run down to the library to blog about it.
7. Forbid laptops on planes.
6. Visit prepareyourownlawsuit.com.
5. Pour your Mountain Dew on your forehead to soothe the burn.
4. Tell the security guys at the airport that there's a recall on those batteries for exploding like that. Hope they don't find the other bomb.
3. Break out your Laptop Battery Explosion Survival Kit. Roast the included hot dogs.
2. Sew your penis back on.
1. Don't panic. Your towel can be used as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding from the severed femoral artery in your right leg and also be used with a snapping motion to keep the lawyers at bay whilst on your way to the emergency room.

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