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Friday, September 22 12:00 AM ET

Trailer Review: The Marine

By Brian Briggs

Reviewinator

Trailer Quicktime
Starring

John Cena
Kelly Carlson

Director John Bonito
Official Site Link
US Opening

October 13 , 2006

Rated PG-13
Genre Action
Explosions 11
Weapons Elbow, handguns, fire extinguisher, police car, uzi, knife, feet, AK, fist, head, M4A1, oar, shoulder

Man Quotient

12.3

(Explosions + Weapons + Hot Babes - Kisses)/ Minutes

Voiceover Yes
Trailer
Déjà Vu
The Cat in the Hat
Spoilage Factor 100%
Geek Factor 1%
See Trailer? No
See Movie? No

The Marine was produced by the WWE which is the company that brings us professional wrestling. That's all I need to say, but since my boss requires more than one sentence reviews, I'll continue.

The trailer opens with Robert Patrick of Terminator 2 fame robbing a jewelry store. He proves his bad guy credentials by knocking out a guard with a well-placed elbow.

Next, the trailer moves to the hero whose hot blond wife begs him to go out for a spontaneous drive. Will he agree and somehow become entangled with the aforementioned diamond robbers? If you don't know the answer to that question than this trailer will be full of surprises for you. For the rest of you, strap yourselves in for a ride on the Predictable Express.

The hero and his hot blond wife stop for gas at the same spot our diamond robbers. Our hero goes in to pick up some milk while outside a cop pulls up in his patrol car which happens to be a bulletproof sports car. What will happen next?

A) Cop will get shot.
B) Hero's wife will be kidnapped
C) Hero will survive the gas station exploding
D) Hero will chase the bad guys in the bulletproof sports car
E) All of the above

If you chose anything other than "E" then you have been sniffing too much of what The Rock is cooking.

John tries to blend in
at the traffic sign factory

Here's one of the many things I find inexplicable (no not that the gas is $1.74), but that John takes a fire extinguisher to the face which knocks him out, survives an entire gas station exploding, yet his face is completely unmarked by any bruises or blood.

Next, we learn that our hero is an ex-marine (that sound you hear is thousands of real Marines cringing) and have to endure some unbelievable flashback scenes.

The bulletproof material on the police car is flint, because every time a bullet hits the car it emits a shower of sparks. Predictably the car chase ends with the cop car exploding in midair while it plummets into a lake. John escapes this explosion by bailing out of the car (unscathed) just in time.

If you can believe it there's a scene with the hero tied to a chair and beaten by the bad guys. You'd think the bad guys would've seen at least one movie in their lives and know that whenever the hero is tied up to a chair, he'll find a way to escape and kick their asses. Now if they were trying to kill him so badly before, why don't they just shoot him instead of tying him to a chair?

Explosion
It can lift a cop car with its power,
but a person is entirely unmoved.

Next, John survives another explosion by jumping out the window just in time. This guy and the laws of physics just don't mix. Apparently, the bad guys aren't affected by the laws of physics either. The next scene shows yet another explosion. This one is lifting a police car off the ground, yet the bad guy standing next to the explosion is unmoved.

Finally, there is a montage of explosions, punches and vehicles crashing through walls punctuated by some awful rock music.

I'd have to look back to be sure, but I think this trailer has the highest man quotient of any trailer I've reviewed. If this trailer makes anything clear, it is that a high man quotient doesn't necessarily translate into a high quality movie.

Conclusion on Trailer: Cheap special effects, bad acting and events that defy the laws of physics make this one laughably bad. That's what you've come to expect from the WWE. Avoid it at all costs.

Conclusion on Movie: Could ninety minutes of this crap actually make it better? No. Make like John Cena and run away from this exploding piece of crap.

More Trailer Reviews

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