Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll find yourself being attacked by a giant centipede this week. Time to lay off the 'shrooms.
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will have to face your "power pill" addiction this week. It seems you've brought your wife down with you.
Jan 20 - Feb 18
After crossing the street, you will be tempted to walk on turtles and logs. The stars advise you to refrain from doing so.
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Things will be coming at you from every direction this week. The stars know it's hectic, but don't be a robot. Think of your family.
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Thank you, Aries, but your horoscope is on another server.
Apr 20 - May 20
It doesn't matter what you read on the Internet; beer, donuts and whipped cream are NOT the Triforce.
May 21 - June 21
She may have thrown you her heart, but if you don't eat your Spinach you might not be strong enough to catch it.
June 22 - July 22
Life isn't always black and white like Pong. Sometimes there are 16 colors.
July 23 - Aug 22
You'll keep hearing "Intruder Alert!", "Intruder Alert!" Maybe you should call next time before you show up in her room.
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will have haunting nightmares involving the Digger music after an unfortunate accident with a giant drill.
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Perhaps a hyena was not the best choice for a hunting dog.
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll spend an inordinate amount of time jumping over barrels this week. Watch out for the flamers.