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Tuesday, February 27 12:00 AM EDT

Oscar Categories We'll Never See

11. Best performance by an actor in the role of a robot, pirate or ninja
10. Most innovative product placement sponsored by American Express
9. Best actor not playing a retard, drunk, or insane person
8. Most coherent screenplay adapted from a video game
7. Best performance while battling a heroin addiction
6. Best performance by a plastic surgeon to extend the career of an aging star
5. Least boring acceptance speech from last year's awards
4. Best performance by a good looking actor who can't act
3. Most awesome decapitation
2. Most obvious attempt to pander to the Oscar voters by a comic actor playing a dramatic role
1. The Ben Affleck and Matt Damon Best Friends Forever Honorary Oscar for Buddiness

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