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Thursday, March 22 12:00 AM ET

RIAA Updates Mission Statement to Reflect Priorities

By Brian Briggs

Los Angeles, CA - The RIAA has updated its mission statement from "Our mission is to foster a business and legal climate that supports and promotes our members' creative and financial vitality" to "Our mission is to maximize hatred for the music industry by using creative legal and innovative technological methods which will further destroy our member's creativity and financial vitality." The organization hopes the change will more accurately reflect their long-term goals.

Chairman and CEO of the RIAA Mitch Bainwol said, "This change allows us to focus on our goals of ridding ourselves of annoying artists and consumers completely. The Internet has made this possible. In the days before the Internet only a few artists and industry insiders hated the RIAA, now hatred for the RIAA is at an all-time high."

Bainwol explained that a committee formed three years ago has developed most of the ideas used to foment the growing hatred for the organization.

"We're proud of them. When more people hate you than the President you know you're doing something right," Bainwol said.

Innovative methods for producing more hatred from consumers and artists in the future include:

  • Suing a family in a refugee camp in Darfur, who doesn't even know what a computer is, for sharing music illegally.
  • Running a public service announcement campaign which will equate downloading music to molesting children.
  • Make charitable donations to Hitler Youth and KKK.
  • Seizing iPods from troops in Iraq and searching them for illegal music. Filing suit against violators.
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"With strategies like this we're bound to reach our goals in five years. Maybe even sooner," said Bainwol.

The RIAA was recently voted the worst company in America in a recent online poll, narrowly beating out Halliburton. Upset by the news and the RIAAs plans, Halliburton announced plans of its own.

CEO Bob Johnson said that his company would begin infecting elephants and other endangered species with the AIDS virus then shooting them from giant catapults onto orphanages and children's wards of hospitals.

"If that doesn't build the hate, then I don't know what will," said Johnson.

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