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Tuesday, April 3 12:00 AM EDT

Announcements Steve Jobs Will Never Make

11. Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!
10. My ego-reduction surgery was a success and I'd like to announce that I'm not that great.
9. I'm pleased to announce Apple's agreement with Wal-Mart to be the exclusive outlet for the brown iPods.
8. I present to you the iBananaPhone!
7. I did not have sexual relations with that man, Mr. Bill Gates.
6. I'm officially changing my name from "Steve" to "Blow."
5. Here at Apple we pride ourselves on thinking different, our new spokesperson has a history of thinking different. Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Charles Manson!
4. So, after embedding the micro iPod chip in your testicle it can sense when you're having sex and play the right music.
3. We have run out of species of cats for our operating system names, so we're gonna start with species of sloths.
2. I give to you the iZune.
1. Ladies and gentlemen, I died last night of a heart attack.

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