Washington D. C. – At a briefing today at the Pentagon, Frank Gilliam, who heads the spy satellite destruction team, announced that advanced movie plot technology would be used to save Earth from the spy satellite.
Gilliam, who worked in Hollywood as a script supervisor for films such as Armageddon and Independence Day, said, "We have a three-step solution to the spy satellite problem. Step one has already failed, so we're moving on to step two."
The first step involved the space shuttle launching charges down a small exhaust port in the spy satellite, but unfortunately the space shuttle isn't equipped with laser cannons. "Someone should've told me that," said Gilliam.
The second step involves a rendezvous with the satellite to upload a virus causing it to explode. “We'll use the saucer we have in Area 51, and a MacBook Air to upload the virus. Hopefully, it won't take out all our other satellites," said Gilliam.
Others in the Department of Defense say the second step is doomed to fail as well, because the saucer in Area 51 hasn't "flown in years."
"Lastly, if that fails, we'll have to send up a group of oil drillers to land on the satellite to destroy it. These are rugged guys. I'm sure one of them will be willing to sacrifice his life for his planet," said Gilliam.
Many think the plans are too dramatic, and have suggested just trying to shoot down the satellite using a missile.
Gilliam dismissed that suggestion as ridiculous. "We've got a bigger budget than all the Hollywood blockbusters combined, and they want us to shoot it down with a missile? That's just silly."
Google's stock was down on the news.