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Wednesday, April 23 12:00 AM ET

McCain Embraces Technology, Wants to Be First President to Declare War Via Facebook

By Brian Briggs

San Jose, CA – During a fundraiser in Silicon Valley, John McCain said that despite his age he embraced technology and would be "the first President to declare war via Facebook."

McCain didn't elaborate on who the target of military aggression would be, but many pundits believe it to be Iran.

McCain said he would expand government involvement in technology including developing Facebook applications that could be used to mobilize troops or launch missiles.  "We've got applications that allow you to throw sheep at people.  Why not fighter jets?" said McCain.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have used technology more successfully during the 2008 campaign, but McCain said he wasn't going to "cede the technologically savvy youth vote to the Democrats."

The Arizona Senator surprised the crowd with his vast technical knowledge by giving a detailed argument in favor of Intel's new Nehalem processor microarchitecture.

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"I didn't realize he knew so much about technology," said venture capitalist Brad Whitmer. "When he outlined his plan for notifying those earning over $250,000 every time they earned middle class tax breaks via text message, I knew he was my guy."

McCain also outlined plans to use Twitter to inform generals of new missions, and "Peace Rays" to melt terrorists and illegal immigrants.

He ended his remarks by quoting The Art of War, "I think it was Sun Tzu who said, 'keep your Facebook friends close and your MySpace friends closer.' or something like that."
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