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Wednesday, November 26 12:00 AM ET

Trailer Review: Transporter 3

By Brian Briggs

Transporter 3If you need an actor for a brainless action flick, you know who to call.  He's got the experience you're looking for.  A resume that includes Death Race, In the Name of the King, and Crank.  He's Jason Statham and he's back for Transporter 3.

In the opening scene, Statham establishes himself as a badass. Four thugs approach him in a hotel lobby and one says that his boss needs Statham for a job.  Statham replies that he's "unavailable," but the guy gives him 10 seconds to change his mind.  Statham replies, "And I'll give you five seconds to remove your hand."  

Then the thug says, "I'll give you 2.5 seconds to take that back."

To which Statham replies, "And I'll give you 1.25 seconds to apologize for your bad breath."  Then the thug gets flustered, because he can divide decimals.   Statham takes advantage of this and beats up the four thugs with no problem.

Unfortunately for Statham, the evil mastermind sends someone better at math next time and insists on his cooperation.

Statham wakes up in a cell with a wristband, and not one of those trendy "Livestrong" bands.  This one's filled with a distance sensor and explosives.

The chief villain needs Statham to deliver a package. Statham agrees to the job as long as he gets to use his car.  The villain says that's fine, but we've removed all your guns and stuff, so don't even think about it.  Statham says "Think?"  The villain replies "Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to."

The trailer doesn't say what the mission is, but they do give Statham an attractive companion for conversation. (Boy is she going to be disappointed.) Oh, and she's got an explosive wristband too.  Speaking of the wristbands, they look like they were mass produced.  You'd think something like that was a one-off creation and have some wires sticking out of it like any good prototype, but these look like fashion accessories.

The mastermind explains that the wristband explodes if he gets 75 feet away from the car (25 m in the European release)  Yes, they used that premise.  It's like Speed and Crank combined.

Laws of Physics

Clearly in the top image the car is dropping and slightly below the top of the front car.

Cut to the next image where the car is now three feet above and made it all the way to the middle of the train car. Gravity much?

What's more unbelievable than the premise are the stunts.  In one scene Statham's talking on a payphone and someone steals his black Audi.  The digital readout on the car accelerates to 75 feet.  Statham steals somebody's bike and rides it through a warehouse. Then he surfs on the bike (seriously, he slides it on its side) through a window and jumps off into his car planting a perfect kick on the carjacker.  I don't know about you, but if you lay any bike on its side it doesn't slide very straight.  I guess you expect implausibility in an action film, but this is laughable.

It doesn't stop there though. There's an "interesting" physics problem at the end of the trailer where two train cars are separated by a distance, but seem to be traveling at the same speed.  Statham jumps the car from the top of one train car to the other.  Those familiar with the laws of gravity will no doubt find this scene ridiculous as well (if you don't know what I mean look at the image).

Reviewinator

Trailer Quicktime
Starring

Jason Statham
Natalya Rudakova

Director Olivier Megaton
Official Site Link
US Opening

November 26, 2008

Rated PG-13
Genre Action Sequel
Explosions 3
Weapons Feet, fists, jacket, elbow, handgun, SMG, wristband, pipe, shirt, assault rifle, pot
Man Quotient

7

Trailer
Déjà Vu
Speed Crank
Geek Factor 2%
See Trailer? No
See Movie? No
Follow Up Pending

Ending Prognostication: Statham completes the mission.  Saves the girl and kills the bad guys.   He makes a B-grade one-liner when he kills the guy by stuffing him into a mailbox and saying, "Return to sender."

Conclusion on Trailer: Lots of ridiculous action and shirtless shots of Statham.  If you're into that kind of thing, (not that there's anything wrong with that) then this is the trailer for you.  Otherwise you can go make yourself a turkey sandwich and enjoy the long weekend Transporter free.

Conclusion on Movie:  There's nothing in the trailer that demonstrates that this will be anything, but a completely mindless action flick.  I like my action sprinkled with a little wit, and likeable characters. If you're not as discriminating as I am, you might enjoy this one, but if you're reading BBspot then you're not that kind of person.

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