Palo Alto, CA – After a recent uproar from users caused Facebook to revert to their old terms of service, Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook CEO, announced that the company had made new revisions that would make it possible for Facebook to own your thoughts and soul for all eternity.
"We're not kidding," said Zuckerberg. "I'm tired of all the legal mumbo jumbo we have to put in there. I felt it was important to just lay out to the users what we want, and if they don't like it they can go to Orkut. Seriously, where are you people going to go?"
Privacy advocates were floored by the brazen nature of the changes, but admitted they'd probably continue to use Facebook. Brian Harcourt of the Privacy United Now group said, "The urge to know 25 random things about my neighbor, and my desire to collect more pieces of flair overrides my disgust at these blatant grabs of intellectual property and invasions of privacy."
Zuckerberg noted that Facebook had developed a thought-monitoring application that all users would have to install if they wanted to continue using the site. "A couple ex-Google engineers developed it for us and it works great," said Zuckerberg. "We already own people's souls, but we figured we'd make it explicit in the terms of service now."
The new terms of service would give Facebook ownership to anything any user thought while surfing the site. If a script writer envisions a great new action-thriller starring Ben Affleck and Colin Farrell, then Facebook would own the rights.
Zuckerberg said that Facebook planned to leverage all this intellectual property, so he could have enough money to tour the world in a golden submarine. "I'm going to be so freaking rich," said Zuckerberg. "Muwahahahaha!"