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Friday, April 3 12:00 AM ET

Trailer Review: Fast and Furious

By Brian Briggs

Fast and FuriousI know that I should be more into cars.  Half my neighborhood works in the auto industry.  I'm only an hour away from all the Detroit automakers.   I'm just not that into them.  I'm also not into stupidity.  This trailer has both in spades.

The aptly named Fast and Dumber, er, Fast and Furious brings another physics defying endless car chase to the big screen.

The trailer opens with a cop chasing a bad guy on foot.  The bad guy jumps through a window, over an alley and onto the roof next door.  The cop jumps through the already broken window and barely makes it across.  I'm not sure how much into physics you are, but something doesn't add up.  It's not as bad as the Jason Statham surfing on the side of a bike like Transporter 2, but don't worry, this trailer will get there.

Vinny D
UHHHHHHH!

After some street-side chasing, the criminal runs back up into an apartment building and out onto a roof.  The jump from here is too far, so he waits for the cop to come out the same window (with the gun he easily grabbed from a security guard).  He doesn't think to move to a position where he could easily cover all the windows, but then why would he?

Surprise!  The cop comes out a different window and the two plummet off the roof onto the top of a minivan.  The criminal and cop remain unscathed after a long fall into the roof of a minivan.  How long of a fall? I'm glad you asked.  It takes a little over 1 second for them to fall.  Given that d=1/2(acceleration)(time)^2, then it's approximately 5 meters.  I'm no doctor, but remaining unhurt after a fall of over 15 feet seems pretty unlikely.

Could it get worse?  Yes.  Soulja' Boy kicks in.  It's like this trailer wants me to hate it.  I'll oblige.

Eating Your Face
I'm going to bite your nose off!

Next, we see the cop with gun drawn enter an apartment.  Vin Diesel, looking like he's ready to jump out the window, asks the cop if he's going to take him in.  Heck no, otherwise we wouldn't be able to have former adversaries team up to fight a common foe.

Cars fly through brick walls, and drive across deserts.  Vin Diesel says he's not coming back from this mission.  I hope he's right.

More action montages with guns, flying cars and explosions.  And finally the crowning jewel in a tiara of stupidity. 

Vin and Michelle Rodriguez wait and the end of the road blocked by overturned vehicles.  Bounding toward them is a fuel truck belching flames.  There's a localized gravitational anomaly, because the fuel truck bounces along like a basketball.  Vin smokes the tires and waits for just the right moment. 

He releases the clutch and rockets forward.  Perfect timing.  He powerslides underneath the flaming truck and emerges unscathed.  He's not even wearing a seatbelt!

Reviewinator

Trailer Quicktime
Starring

Vin Diesel
Paul Walker

Director Justin Lin
Official Site Link
US Opening

April 3, 2009

Rated PG-13
Genre Car Chase Sequel
Explosions 9
Weapons Shoulder, gravity, handgun, shotgun, assault rifles, body slam, bomb, wheelie car, exploding gas truck
Man Quotient

12

Trailer
Déjà Vu
The Fast and the Furious
Geek Factor 5%
See Trailer? No
See Movie? No
Follow Up Unlikely

I didn't even mention the car doing a wheelie.  I know it's possible, but in the desert sand?  I don't think so.

Ending Prognostication:  Something involving crashing cars and explosions along with a general lack of knowledge about physics (more specifically the laws of gravity).  Vin Diesel and his cop buddy survive for Faster and Furrier 8: Vin Discovers Rogaine. 

Conclusion on Trailer:  Needless to say, I hated this trailer.  The physics were all wrong.  The plot a retread.  Not worth downloading unless you want to laugh at the stupidity, but do it with the volume down, so you don't have to endure the wretched soundtrack.

Conclusion on Movie:  It might be the best movie you see all summer, that is, if it's the only movie you see.  I wouldn't recommend it to my hated ex-wife (if I had one) or my abusive stepfather (if I had one) or even Hitler (well maybe I would).  Do you get my point?

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