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Friday, April 24 12:00 AM ET

Trailer Review: Mutant Chronicles

By Brian Briggs

Mutant ChroniclesThis week we get a trailer from a movie based on a pen-and-paper RPG called Mutant Chronicles. I'm sure you'll all remember how well the other translations of pen-and-paper RPGs to film have gone. If not, think back to the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Hollywood might want to come up with a new formula.

The world in 2707 is a mixture of spaceships and steam engines. Warriors looked pulled straight from a World War I documentary. The contrasting styles are supposed to look all cool and steampunkish, but what it does is make you wonder why a society that can build spaceships and giant skyscrapers is fighting with ancient weapons.

The trailer opens with what look like World War I soldiers in a trench battle with mutants. A philosopher claims that it's the end of every living thing, everywhere, for all time. Obviously, he's forgetting about the mutants that are killing the people, and the aliens that sent them, but he's not one of those "logical" philosophers.

Don't Make Me Watch
"Don't make me watch this trailer!"

John Malkovich, reprising his role as Galbatorix from Eragon, has given up on Earth. He wants to abandon the planet, and leave millions behind to fend for themselves against the mutants. This angers Hellboy-without-makeup Ron Perlman.

Wearing a cloak worthy of Aragorn, Perlman warns that the battle won't stop here. The mutants won't stop until every living thing, everywhere, for all time is dead. Except for them and the aliens. Perlman proclaims there is still hope though.

He wants to assemble a ragtag band of mercenaries to destroy the mutants, and save the planet. In the group are The Punisher (Thomas Jane) and the Asian chick from Sin City (Devon Aoki).

Like Sin City, this planet is shrouded in darkness. Most likely explained by our rape of the planet, but it's really just an excuse to hide the sub-par special effects.

The rest of the trailer is an incomprehensible mishmash of action clips with a quick re-creation of the hobbits drawing their swords in the Mines of Moria.

Reviewinator

Trailer Quicktime
Starring

Ron Perlman
John Malkovich

Director Simon Hunter
Official Site Link
US Opening

April 24, 2009

Rated R
Genre Game-to-Movie
Explosions 1
Weapons Rifles, cannons, mutants, hand gun, sword, RPG
Man Quotient

8

Trailer
Déjà Vu
Eragon
Geek Factor 80%
See Trailer? No
See Movie? No
Follow Up Unlikely

Ending Prognostication: Given the depressing color palette of the trailer, I don't suspect many of the heroes will live to see the end. It's for an American (and Earth) audience though, so I suspect the mutants will be disposed of in some clever way.

Conclusion on Trailer: The trailer is short, clocking in at less than two minutes. That's usually a bad sign. Studios usually want to ruin as much of the movie as possible. That can only mean that the movie is already ruined and they want to save the really bad stuff for the theater.This trailer looks very bad. Low-budget effects and bad acting don't make a great combination. Malkovich plays the character he does in all the bad movies he's in, and it's annoying. There's nothing in this trailer that makes me want to see the movie.

Conclusion on Movie: This one will stink to high heaven. Nothing is going to save it from a one week run at the theater. In the next two weeks, we get Wolverine and Star Trek. I can't wait. Finally, some possibly good trailers to review.

Images created on aviary.com.

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