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Monday, June 1 12:00 AM ET

Chicken Soup for the Geek Soul: Best Reunion Ever

By Brian Briggs

 

I spent most of my school years being picked on by bullies, but a terrible accident in my senior year of high school and an ingenious invention changed all that.

It all started in sixth grade when I got my glasses. I knew the kids would tease me (I saw what they had done to poor Wendy Gilligan). I didn't realize how bad it would be. I'd get called all the classics and then some, four-eyes, Sir Readsalot, Dr. Nerdenstein.

Until then, I had been able to keep my nerdiness a secret, but once I got the glasses it opened the door to my geek soul for everyone to see. They somehow knew I played D & D, and messed with my Commodore 64 until the wee hours of the morning.

Plenty of kids picked on me, but Evan Stuckard was the worst. He was one of those Evil Quarterback types who can get away with anything and did. It would be impossible to chronicle the hell he put me through, but I tried. If you're interested, I've got six spiral-bound journals full of his nasty exploits from all my years in school.

Surpisingly, I made it to my senior year in high school. If I could make it through this, I'd be rid of Evan Stuckard forever. One crisp fall night, that all changed.

The accident happened on homecoming night my senior year. I usually avoided football games, but the computer club had a float in the parade, so I had to be there. On the way home after the game, my car was T-boned by a drunk Evan Stuckard. He was fine, thanks to his airbag, but I lost my left arm below the elbow. I was devastated.

Despite missing a month of school, I still was able to graduate and go to college, where I majored in biomedical engineering. Evan was kicked off the football team, and served two years probation. He never went to college, and his dream of playing in the NFL never materialized.

Now it's ten years later. I'm a successful engineer at a medical research start up. I hear from friends back home that Evan is a mechanic at the hometown repair shop. He's divorced twice already, and drinks a lot. Somehow it isn't enough.

I get the email that our 10-year reunion is approaching. I wouldn't normally go to these things, but I've got something I want to show everyone, especially Evan.

I enter the banquet hall, and see Evan across the room chatting with some cheerleaders who have put on a few pounds, so has he. I walk up to Evan and say, "Remember me?"

He chuckles, and says, "Well, if it isn't Professor Dorkwheedle."

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The smile drops from his face, as I roll up the sleeve on my left arm to reveal the fusion-powered laser cannon attached where my forearm used to be.

"It's I who'll get the last laugh," I say. I raise up my arm and put the sights right on his nose. I feel the warm rumble of power as the fusion reactor starts its chain reaction. Then I pull the trigger. In an instant, I can see the bottles of Bud Light through where his face used to be.

"I need you like a hole in the head Captain Ashforbrains!"

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