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Friday, November 20 12:00 AM ET

Trailer Review: The Twilight Saga:
New Moon: Teen Wolf IV: An American Werewolf in America

By Brian Briggs
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The Twilight Saga: New MoonIf you've followed the site for very long, you know I was forced to read Twilight for my daughter's book club.  You know that I hold a special place in my heart for Twilight.  It's that part of my heart that's filled with loathing and hate.  I thought it was quite possibly the worst book I have ever read.  This trailer does nothing to convince me that the second book, New Moon, is any better.

If you like trailers filled with smiles and joy, this one is not for you.  There is only one smile in the entire trailer. It happens within the first few moments.  After that, it's a broodfest.   All the characters are gorgeous (and brooding).  It could be that they are just all bad actors and they can only emote brooding.  

<cut to scene at cast auditions > 

"OK let me see you brood.  Can you be more brooding?  OK, good.  You're in. Next. Sorry sir, you smiled, we don't want your kind in here."

</cut to scene at cast auditions > 

Stoned Kristen Stewart
Invisible Joint

Now onto the trailer, it opens in some ancient hall with the lords of the vampires.  They are the Volturi, and they enforce the vampire laws. They are displeased.  A quick snap of the neck, and one vampire dies like the stake through the heart of all vampire lore that has come before.

A despondent Edward Cullen tells Bella that he must leave forever.  She will never see him again.  If only we were all so lucky.  He tells her to not do anything reckless, which means she will.

The only way Bella can see Edward is if she rockets up her adrenaline levels.  Then he appears as a ghostly vision.  You'd think a photograph would be a lot easier.

Bella attempts one stunt after another, each more dangerous than the last.  Until finally, she jumps off a cliff into the ocean to die.  This would be a perfect spot to end the movie.  Bella dead and Edward gone forever, don't you think?

Sadly, Jacob the werewolf saves her.  Jerk.

Walking on Water: Bella Jesus
Bella does her best impression of
Jesus and walks on water.

The story then turns into Romeo and Juliet.  Edward thinks Bella is dead.  He wants to die too. Sounds like a good plan. Jacob the werewolf agrees with me. 

"He left you Bella.  He didn't want you anymore," says Jacob.

I want you too listen closely to Bella's next line, "I have to go," and would like you to tell me if it isn't the worst delivery of a line you've ever heard.  Who's with me?

Edward is going to do the unthinkable and reveal himself in the daylight to the Volturi.  Since the Volturi are vampires and already know Edward's a vampire, I'm not sure why this is a bad thing, but it is.  It does give Edward a chance to take off his shirt and show us his ripped abs. I suggest averting your eyes unless you're into that kind of thing. 

And to end this hunkfest, a montage of shirtless werewolves and vampires with a pounding soundtrack of chorale music.

Reviewinator

Trailer Quicktime
Starring

Kristen Stewart
Robert Pattinson

Director Chris Weitz
Official Site Link
US Opening

November 20, 2009

Rated PG-13 (for brooding stares, red eyes)
Genre Horror
Explosions 4
Weapons Hands, pimp slap, teeth
Man Quotient

-13

Trailer
Déjà Vu
Twilight
Geek Factor 0%
See Trailer? No
See Movie? No
Follow Up May I be struck down by the power of the almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster if I step foot in the theater.

Fun with IMDb: With a screenplay by the writer who brought you an episode entitled "Hats Off to Larry" for Ally McBeal and the genius behind Bickford Shmeckler's Cool Ideas, comes a movie starring people with first names like Cam, Taylor, Dakota, Cameron, Jackson, Chaske, Gavin, Noot and Tinsel.

Ending Prognostication:  Everyone dies.  Let it be true.  Everyone dies.  If I say it enough will it happen?  Die. Die. Die.

Conclusion on Trailer:  The trailer doesn't do its job.  I have no more desire to see this movie after I've watched it than I did before. I'm sure that comes as a surprise to most of you.  Seriously, unless you have a penchant for pain, do not watch this trailer.

Conclusion on Movie:  It will be savaged by reviewers, but it won't matter. It will be the "#1 movie in America," which will only deepen my depression from watching the trailer.  Stefenie Meyer will grow richer, and American culture will grow poorer.  Lions will savagely disembowel lambs.  Great rifts will emerge in the streets of our cities.  Supervolcanoes will erupt.  The sun will explode.  I'm not exaggerating folks, it's that bad.

Images created on aviary.com.

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