Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
A bank error in your favor means you'll be getting some of that bailout money.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Good News: You don't have to add oil to the pan before you fry the fish.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The stars sense that your dream of seeing a real-life Water World is one step closer.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Fuck you, seagulls! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Bad News: You will get stung by a jellyfish. Good News: It won't burn as much as the oil in your eyes.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You won't have to learn how to SCUBA. All the fish are visible floating on the surface.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will get the song "Smoke on the Water" stuck in your head this week.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars would like to apologize for playing World of Goo above the Gulf of Mexico.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
The smell from the gulf means no one with notice your flatulence.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You can finally relax in silence now that all the wildlife is dead.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your dreams of Michael Bay blowing up the Gulf of Mexico will come to an end after you read the footer on this page.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll be able to save money this summer on suntain lotion during your trip to the Alabama coast.