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Friday, June 18 3:00 AM ET

Trailer Review: Jonah Hex

By Brian Briggs follow me on Twitter or Google Buzz

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Jonah HexThis week I take a look at the trailer for Jonah Hex. Most people (in the entire population, not just the geek world) probably don't know that Jonah Hex originated in comics (I didn't), and that's probably for the best. I wouldn't want this crappy trailer to discourage people from seeing comic book-to-movie adaptations.

The trailer opens with Jonah Hex, played by Josh Brolin, tied to an X. He begs Turnbull not to do it. Do what, you ask? Burn down Jonah's house along with the Hex kids. Turnbull is played by John Malkovich, so of course he kills the kids. He also takes a fiery brand to the side of Hex's face, so Hex can remember the man who took everything from him. Yeah, like he'd ever forget you burning his kids to a crisp.

The Villain
If your main villain looks like this, then maybe you need a new villain.

A deep-voice starts to narrate the trailer. He tells us that after that night something happened to Jonah Hex. Something that can't be explained. Hex acquired powers that for instance, can bring a dead Matthew McConaughey back to life. This cements Hex as an anti-hero, because a real hero would put another bullet in McConaughey's head.

Then the trailer takes a turn for the stupid. Hex enters the stereotypical Western town. A no-good Sheriff and his deputies surround him. The Sheriff looks pleased that he'll be the one to take Hex down. Hex makes a witty comment about how he's going to kill all of them, and then reveals the dual horse-mounted Gatling guns. He then proceeds to mow down the creeps.

Stupid gets piled upon stupid with the appearance of Megan Fox with an annoying accent. Hex then guns down a bloke in a bar who asked him about the scars on his face. A fair question considering Hex's face, but this is the wild west. Megan Fox loves her men with a streak of deadly violence and disfiguring facial scars. Don't all women?

Megan Fox
So why is Megan Fox in this movie again? Oh, yeah.

The Cavalry arrives. They tell Hex that Turnbull has resurfaced, and they want Hex to kill him. Hex isn't so sure. He's more comfortable killing random people in bars, than a man who baked his children, but begrudgingly he agrees.

Hex visits Q to get some neat weapons (hasn't this tired old formula been beaten to death?). Q provides him with a crossbow-powered grenade launcher, which Hex puts to immediate use. The pounding rock soundtrack begins and everyone establishes their penchant for violence. Explosions punctuate the action montage, and a cast of characters get cut down by Hex and Fox.

Reviewinator

Trailer Quicktime
Starring Josh Brolin
Megan Fox
Director Jimmy Hayward
Official Site Link
US Opening June 18, 2010
Rated PG-13 (ugly face, annoying accent)
Genre Comic to Movie
Explosions 10
Weapons Latern, rifle, brand, handgun, horse-mounted machine guns, big knife, shotgun, Crossbow-powered grenade launcher, big gun, dynamite, flamethrower, armored ship, fist
Man Quotient

9.6

Trailer
Déjà Vu
Wild Wild West
Geek Factor 40%
See Trailer? No
See Movie? No
Follow Up Unlikely

The trailer ends with some witty repartee between Hex and Fox, but it's not enough to save this disaster.

Ending Prognostication: Hex gets his revenge against Turnbull and a lot of innocent bystanders get killed as well.

Fun with IMDb: From the writer who brought you the cinematic masterpieces Gamer and Crank: High Voltage comes a film with the stars from The Dukes of Hazzard (TV) and Double Dragon.

Conclusion on Trailer: Fox is annoying. Scenes are stereotypical Western. The effects look cheesy. The dialog is derivative. This is not a winning formula for a trailer. After seeing this trailer, I most definitely won't be seeing the movie. Trailer fail.

Conclusion on Movie: I can't imagine any situation where this movie makes anyone but the most rabid Megan Fox fans happy. Please don't go see this movie, but if you insist please email me about how you should've listened to me. I like to be right.

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