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Mark Zuckerberg Denies Biting Off Baby Heads

By Brian Briggs filed Monday, September 27 3:00 AM ET

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San Francisco, CA - Today Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg denied reports from an online tech news blog that he likes biting heads off babies.

“I do not like biting heads off babies,” said Zuckerberg in an awkwardly Aspie way at a hastily assembled press conference.

Rumors have been swirling about Zuck’s alleged love for chewing on the noggins of infants after recent screenings of the David Fincher movie, The Social Network, portrayed Zuckerberg as a blood-soaked, baby-head muncher. Other evidence supporting the report comes from instant messages purportedly coming from Zuckerberg which read:

XXXXX: What’s with all those babies being dropped off in your dorm room Zuck?
Zuck: I put up babysitting ads around campus, and people are just dropping them off.
XXXXX: What are you doing with them?
Zuck: The babies? I’m eating their heads of course.
XXXXX: And people keep dropping them off?
Zuck: Yeah, they trust me, the dumb fucks.

When pressed Zuckerberg did not categorically deny sending those instant messages, but instead broke out into a profuse sweat and started reciting the digits of Pi.

Bill Babbington of who initially reported the story said, “He just denied that he liked doing it. Not that he didn’t do it. That’s confirmation right there.”

Zuckerberg, who also went on a tri-state raping and pillaging spree, still remains CEO of Facebook and signups to the service have increased by 25% since the news broke.

“It’s a sign that either people don’t know or don’t care about what he’s done,” said Babbington. “I”ve heard rumors, but haven’t confirmed yet that he plans to doing more and more heinous things until Facebook growth slows. He just likes pushing the envelope.”

Security experts are suggesting that Facebook users examine their privacy settings on their accounts, and remove any mention of infants or toddlers from their Facebook pages as a precaution.

The stock of Facebook did not change on the news, as it is a private company.


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