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Friday, November 8 12:00 AM EDT

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
This month doesn't look good for you. Have you ever considered switching to Virgo?

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
When a office worker stops breathing, your Unreal Tournament skills make you respond instinctually. But unless you're dialing 911 from under your desk, you aren't helping.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
The upcoming meteor shower makes your reading unclear. Either you'll be recalculated by a lax yielding bike ho , or you'll be decapitated by an axe wielding psycho. I'll get back to you.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Using the power of the stars, we are able to determine that the dry cleaner is ruining your shirts on purpose.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your idea for Internet Babysitting isn't panning out. The damn kids keep unplugging their webcams and peeing on the keyboard.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Make sure to check the spelling of that Hairy Potter movie before you bring it home for "Family Night."

 

 

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Installing Windows XP on your office PCs turns out to be a bad idea when you realize your 512MB of RAM are now all dedicated to Windows Media Player 7.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
That tofu your health-conscious ex-girlfriend left in the fridge is having it's 7th birthday today. Maybe buy it some veggie patties to keep it company.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You never thought having a pathetic life would be a good thing, but you're rethinking that now that the hackers who stole your identity decided to give it back.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You find that all ports are still blocked in your quest to lose your virginity. You might want to test your local loopback functionality first.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Be prepared for embarrassment. Remember that Economics 101 term paper you've been thinking about buying to save yourself time? Well, your Econ professor is also an entrepreneur. Use a fake name.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You would be wise to be suspicious of any song swapping software that requires you to enter your credit card number. The name Riaaster might be a good hint too.

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