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New York - You've seen the ads, now you'll hear the truth. This
reporter has learned from sources close to Pepsi and documents obtained
under the Freedom of Information Act that the "Joy of Cola" is
really just a caffeine buzz. This startling revelation
has the  soft
drink world reeling.
The damning evidence is contained in the white paper entitled "World
Domination Through Caffeine Addiction." Pepsi thought
they could fool us all, but not this ace reporter. I uncovered
the secrets of McDonald's 'special sauce'. Does Pepsi think
I'm stupid or something?
The ads run every 2 minutes, didn't they think someone would notice? "Joy
of cola, joy of fun, joy of Pepsi on your tongue?" Maybe
Faith Hill on my tongue would be joy, or beating the crap out of
that little girl, but drinking Pepsi? No, I usually get the
shakes after my second 2 liter, but I wouldn't call that "joy."
There are other sections of the paper entitled "Cindy Crawford
- Lord High Priestess of the New World Order," and "New
Economy Based on Pepsi Points", but they were pretty technical. I
sense those sections may be important too, and those instincts almost
won me seven Pulitzer prizes so I'll see if I can get to the bottom
of it.
Next on the agenda: Do the Dew. Veiled "American
Pie" reference?
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