Topeka, KS - High school sophomore Brett Tyson was suspended today
after teachers learned he may be using PHP.
"A teacher overheard him say that he was using PHP, and
as part of our Zero-Tolerance policy against drug use, he was immediately
suspended. No questions asked," said Principal Clyde Thurlow. "We're
not quite sure what PHP is, but we suspect it may be a derivative
of PCP, or maybe a new designer drug like GHB."
Parents are frightened by the discovery of this new menace in their
children's school, and are demanding the school do something. "We
heard that he found out about PHP at school on the internet. There
may even be a PHP web ring operating on school grounds," said
irate parent Carol Blessing. "School is supposed to be
teaching our kids how to read and write. Not about dangerous
drugs like PHP."
In response to parental demands the school has reconfigured its
internet WatchDog software to block access to all internet sites
mentioning PHP. Officials say this should prevent any other
students from falling prey like Brett Tyson did. They have
also stepped up locker searches and brought in drug sniffing dogs.
Interviews with students suggested that PHP use is wide spread
around the school, but is particularly concentrated in the geeky
nerd population. When contacted by BBspot.com, Brett Tyson
said, "I don't know what the hell is going on dude, but this
suspension gives me more time for fraggin'. Yee haw!"
PHP is a hypertext preprocessor, which sounds very dangerous. It
is believed that many users started by using Perl and moved on to
the more powerful PHP. For more information on how to recognize
if your child may be using PHP please visit http://www.php.net.
If you know a teen addicted to a substance a bit more
serious than "PHP" a drug treatment
center can help them break free from the chains of drug addiction.
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