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Monday, August 12 2:00 PM EDT

I Must Drop Out

By Bozo

Wednesday Afternoon, August 6 - I thank you for coming to my column on such quick notice. I would have done this in a more credible arena, say on "The Man Show," but I believe Johnnie The Talking Fart was already booked to make his announcement to enter California's Gubernatorial race.

When I first threw my big red squeaky nose into the ring I did it for the same reason I always did: to annoyingly stick my head in front of a any camera and drool into as many microphones thrust within a mile of my mouth, all for the sake of a little free publicity. It's a rather obnoxious tactic and keeps you from mixing with normal people, but it's what I do. For established buffoons like myself, the California gubernatorial race was just another opportunity to make ourselves conspicuous and show off our best wares: pornography, breasts and rubber chickens. After all, elections are normally a rather sober affair and you need a bit of frivolity to distract one from the daily humdrum routine. But it now seems that the entire process has downed a trough load of gin.

When I first drove down to the county seat in my yellow and purple VW bug with sixty-five of my closest friends, the ballot still only listed the usual crackpots: Larry Flynt, Angelyne, Darrell, Issa. But now every Johnnie-come-lately nitwit wants to horn in on our territory and it's making a mockery of this mockery.

Gary Coleman, Gallagher. It's all so seventies. Over 500 people took out election papers. Who's next, Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm just trying to be funny. (Sorry. Wrote this last Wednesday afternoon). I know a lot of people say that the Terminator will run. Come on. If he is smart enough to run this state, then he's smart enough to stay out of this race. Would you leave a $20 million dollar per movie Beverly Hills life to move your wife (a Kennedy yet) and children to Sacramento? And he's going on Leno tonight. With no political experience, no business background handling thousands of employees nor the background to handle billions and billions of deficit, the last thing you want to do is make a fool of yourself. That's a rookie mistake. Are you going to vote for a movie actor and weight lifter who guests on a late night variety show to reveal that you're making a serious run at the top political job in the state? I doubt seriously that Arnold would be so reckless as to place himself in that position.

See, this being a nutball is not a business for amateurs. Making an ass of yourself on purpose is quite a bit different from making an ass of yourself because you think you're the voter's best choice.

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So it is that today I announce that I must take my leave. I take my gigantic yellow shoes and exit the race. I do it for my family. I do it for myself. But most important, this clown does it for the people of California. You already have too many clowns in this race.

Your Former Personal Candidate for Governor of California
Bozo the Clown

Bozo is also Steve Young is an award-winning television writer and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press)

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