Wednesday Afternoon, August 6 - I thank you for coming to
my column on such quick notice. I would have done this in a more
credible arena, say on "The Man Show," but I believe Johnnie
The Talking Fart was already booked to make his announcement to enter
California's Gubernatorial race.
I first threw my big red squeaky nose into the ring I did it for
the same reason I always did: to annoyingly stick my head in front
of a any camera and drool into as many microphones thrust within
a mile of my mouth, all for the sake of a little free publicity.
It's a rather obnoxious tactic and keeps you from mixing with normal
people, but it's what I do. For established buffoons like myself,
the California gubernatorial race was just another opportunity
to make ourselves conspicuous and show off our best wares: pornography,
breasts and rubber chickens. After all, elections are normally
a rather sober affair and you need a bit of frivolity to distract
one from the daily humdrum routine. But it now seems that the entire
process has downed a trough load of gin.
When I first drove down to the county seat in my yellow and purple
VW bug with sixty-five of my closest friends, the ballot still
only listed the usual crackpots: Larry Flynt, Angelyne, Darrell,
Issa. But now every Johnnie-come-lately nitwit wants to horn in
on our territory and it's making a mockery of this mockery.
Gary Coleman, Gallagher. It's all so seventies. Over 500 people
took out election papers. Who's next, Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm
just trying to be funny. (Sorry. Wrote this last Wednesday afternoon).
I know a lot of people say that the Terminator will run. Come on.
If he is smart enough to run this state, then he's smart enough
to stay out of this race. Would you leave a $20 million dollar
per movie Beverly Hills life to move your wife (a Kennedy yet)
and children to Sacramento? And he's going on Leno tonight. With
no political experience, no business background handling thousands
of employees nor the background to handle billions and billions
of deficit, the last thing you want to do is make a fool of yourself.
That's a rookie mistake. Are you going to vote for a movie actor
and weight lifter who guests on a late night variety show to reveal
that you're making a serious run at the top political job in the
state? I doubt seriously that Arnold would be so reckless as to
place himself in that position.
See, this being a nutball is not a business for amateurs. Making
an ass of yourself on purpose is quite a bit different from making
an ass of yourself because you think you're the voter's best choice.
So it is that today I announce that I must take my leave. I take
my gigantic yellow shoes and exit the race. I do it for my family.
I do it for myself. But most important, this clown does it for
the people of California. You already have too many clowns in this
Your Former Personal Candidate for Governor of California
Bozo the Clown
Bozo is also Steve Young is an award-winning
television writer and author of "Great
Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow
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