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Wednesday, August 13 2:00 PM EDT

California Candidate Guide

By Ryan Muldowney

The forms are filled out and the results are in. In order to run in California's recall race for governor, you just needed 65 signatures and $3500. But to vote in this election, you'll need the patience of a saint. One hundred and ninety-six candidates have filed the forms and are officially in the race. Here's a few of the more interesting ones.

Gray Davis
Platform: Democrat
Qualifications: Current Governor of California

Gray Davis isn't gonna go down easy. He's packin' the big guns and he's ready to take on the Terminator.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Platform: Republican
Qualifications: Actor, Pro Bodybuilder

Perhaps best known for his roles in Twins and Junior, Arnold is going to be tough to beat. Let's just hope he can govern California as well as he can act... on second thought...

Angelyne
Platform: You're kidding, right?
Qualifications: "Model"

She's already plastered all over billboards throughout LA, so she's got her campaign advertisements in place. In a two month campaign, that counts for something.

Arianna Huffington
Platform: Independent
Qualifications: Political Columnist, Radio Show Host, Author

This Greek immigrant is a syndicated columnist, the host of a talk radio show, author of 8 books, and the hottest 53 year old to ever run for CA governor.

Cruz Bustamante
Platform: Democrat
Qualifications: Lieutenant Governor

Bustamante decides to go over Davis' head and try to become governor himself. Way to support your governor, you traitorous asshole.
Peter Camejo
Platform: Green
Qualifications: Ran for the same position last Fall

Man, that's dedication. The poor guy only managed to get 5.3% of the vote last fall, and yet he's at it again. A Green Party poster boy who supports the legalization of marijuana, among other things.
Gary Coleman
Platform: Whatchu talkin' bout
Qualifications: Former child star, security guard

After a local paper put Gary on the ballot, he stepped up to the challenge. His slogan is "Sometimes the least qualified man is the best man for the job." Yeah, he's gonna vote for Arnold too.
Larry Flynt
Platform: A Wheelchair
Qualifications: Self-proclaimed Smut Peddler

Flynt wants to legalize prostitution, encourage gambling, and grant amnesty to all illegal immigrants in California. Sounds like a party.
Mary Carey
Platform: What's a platform?
Qualifications: Porn Star

I'm sure her distinguished past speaks for itself. This candidate is focused on the real issues, such as grabbing her crotch and posing for Polaroids with trailer trash.
Tom McClintock
Platform: Republican
Qualifications: State Senator

I'd hate to tell you Tommy boy, but if you want to win this election, you had better start doing a little song and dance or something. You're too boring.

Mark Mishkin
Platform: Independent
Qualifications: High school history teacher

This 30-year old is running so he will have a real life example of the democratic process to tell his students about.
Bill Simon
Platform: Republican
Qualifications: Rich businessman

He also lost to Davis last fall, and it's reported that he's still in $9.5 million in debt from that campaign. But here he is, at it again.
Gallagher
Platform: Watermelon, Sledgehammer, & Plastic Tarp
Qualifications: Washed-up prop comedian

The only people Gallagher might win votes from are the senior citizens, who are so senile they actually still find his shit funny.
Ned Roscoe
Platform: Libertarian, Smoker's Party
Qualifications: Chain smoker

His only real interest is smoking. He wants to lower cigarette taxes and make California a better place for smokers. Oh, and he owns a tobacco business.
Peter Ueberroth
Platform: Republican/Independent
Qualifications: Former MLB Commissioner, Organizer 1984 Summer Olympics

His latest appearance was on the website deadoraliveinfo.com. If that means anything about his popularity.

Donald Novello
Platform: Democrat
Qualifications: Comedian

Better known as Father Guido Sarducci, formerly of Saturday Night Live fame. I think he might get more attention if he dressed up like this while campaigning.
Georgy Russell
Platform: Green?
Qualifications: Software Engineer

This beautiful 26-year old has been selling thong underwear to promote her campaign. She has a lot of Green party beliefs including the legalization of marijuana and gay marriages.

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