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Wednesday, March 19 12:01 AM EDT

BBspot Mailbag

Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing. Since I've gotten such a response from posting these messages in the BBlog, I've decided make it a regular feature.

Believers

Some stories I write are close to the truth, and I know some people will get fooled. Other stories I think are so obviously fake that it would be some sort of miracle if anyone believed them. Now I switch to my Hans Gruber from Die Hard impersonation: You ask for a miracle, and I give you the A-O-L...

From: XXXXXX@aol.com
Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2003 5:56 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: (no subject)

Brian,

I think Peter Jackson is such screwing with out heads. I think that creature is just to throw us die hard Tolkien fans off. I predict this movie is going to be more true to Tolkien than the other two.

Yeah, somebody is screwing with your head, but it isn't Peter Jackson.

This reader knows who's screwing with her head, but she's not 100% sure.

From: XXXXXXX@verizon.net]
Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2003 1:48 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject:

You better be joking about this Jar - Jaromir article because it is a cruel, cruel joke to play on fans of LOTR.

What really freaked her out was when I had Peter Jackson send her an e-mail saying Jar-Jaromir was indeed in the movie.

I don't think we want to put this reader in charge of our National Monuments...

From: XXXXXX@hotpop.com]
Sent: Friday, March 14, 2003 1:22 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Statue of Liberty

Tell them they can have it. They can have all the huddled masses too, yearning to be free. I didn't see anyone beating a path to France when they had the opportunity to come to America.

During the 1930s and 1940s a lot of Germans beat a path to France.

Trailer Trash

Tears of the Sun apparently inspires passion in many a moron. Once again this week it's not a believer, but someone who just doesn't get the Trailer Reviews...

From: XXXXXX@aol.com
Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2003 11:28 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Tear of the Sun Review

You know, I've always felt compelled to write back to reviewers who like to talk out of their ass. You're obviously someone that isn't fond of the "action" genre in the film industry. Any you know what...that's fine. Everyone should have they're own opinions. But a good reviewer wouldn't write his review based on they're personal biased opinions. Bad trailer, crappy transitions? I'd like to see what you would do with the trailer. Just so you know, those crappy transitions are require a lot of hard work...look up rotoscoping in an editing book. The first words that came out of my mouth when I left the theater were "Wow...that movie was flawless." I was very impressed with the overall film. It's been a long time since I've seen a film that moved me so much. It was powerful, patriotic, and above all very well made. For Antoine Fuqua's second big budget film, again I was impressed. Training Day, his first, was absolutely brilliant, though I'm sure you felt it was of poor quality as well. Stop polluting other people's minds with your trashy reviews. You might actually learn something if you actuallly tired to appreciate these films for what they are, if you're even capable of that.

I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader to deconstruct this message.

Down a Notch

Last week in the BBspot Log, I mentioned that BBspot was the number one search result on Google for the word "are". One reader pointed out that I should set my sights a bit higher...

From: XXXXX@comcast.net
Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2003 4:07 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Re: are

Pretty impressive, but check out your competition:

http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=mozclient&ie=
utf-8&oe=utf-8&q=the

They came out #1 out of 3.44 billion v. #1 out of a mere 562 million. And look at the competition. You're topping out FEMA, a NY Times 2002 opinion page, and the Official Site of Edgar Cayce where your competitor beats out such luminaries as The Economist, The Times, The White House, and The [whole] NY Times. Sure, you've beaten America's most documented psychic, but I think it's time to set your sights a bit higher. ;)

Keep up the good work.

I was finally feeling good about myself and now this, I mean, the.

Future BBspot Writer

Some readers become so inspired by the stories on the site they try writing some comedy pieces on their own...

From: XXXXXXX@trw.com]
Sent: Friday, March 14, 2003 8:28 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Thought

Here's a thought...

The U.S. Government could drop a bunch of phone cards into Iraq which could be used to surrender with.

I can see it now:

Please Press 1 if you wish to surrender to American Forces.
Press 2 if you wish to surrender to British Forces.
Press 3 if you wish to surrender to French Forces.

'1' - Beep

Please Press 1 if you wish to surrender unconditionally.
Press 2 if you wish to surrender, but with conditions.
Press 3 if you wish to surrender on television.

'2' - Beep

Please Press 1 if the condition for your surrender is to retain a weapon.
Press 2 if the condition of your surrender is to retain your private army.
Press 3 if the condition of your surrender is to recover family members in Cuba.

'1' - Beep

Please Press 1 if the weapon you wish to retain is a personal firearm
Press 2 if the weapon you wish to retain is a man-portable rocket launcher.
Press 3 if the weapon you wish to retain is one of Mass Destruction.

'1' - Beep

Please press 1 if you would be willing to use your retained weapon to take a pot-shot at Saddam Hussein.
Press 2 if you would be willing to join in a native uprising.
Press 3 if you are not willing to perform either of these patriotic actions.

'3' - Beep

Your conditional surrender has NOT been accepted. Please leave your name, address and daytime phone number for a representative to contact you to accept your UNCONDITIONAL surrender.

'Click -'

Let's hope the Department of Defense reads the site. This idea could probably save US taxpayers a lot of money.

That's all for this week. Thanks.

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