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Wednesday, April 30 12:01 AM EDT

BBspot Mailbag

Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.

Believers

I could've made a fortune from the people that wanted to buy this video card ...

From: seraj
Sent: Saturday, April 26, 2003 5:43 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: smack G500 video card

i was impressed with your information about the Matrox smack G500 video card.

can u spend ur more valuable time and forward me some details so that i can purchase this card or more Link about the manufacturer of this Video card.

I would be obliged.

Thanking You,

This guy was very insistent. He sent me this e-mail three separate times .

Dead Wings

My beloved Red Wings got swept in the first round of the playoffs and The Toque's editor Dale Tudge couldn't resist poking a little fun...

From: Dale Tudge
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2003 10:56 PM
To: Brian Briggs
Subject: Wings and things

Here's the part where I gloat about hockey...nah


Dale Tudge
editor

The Toque
www.thetoque.com
Canada's Source For Humour And Satire

Yum! This crow tastes good.

Ad Questions

Something most of you have probably wondered at one time or another...

From: dietrich
Sent: Monday, April 21, 2003 2:13 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: just a question

-- Been coming to your site for years now. Really enjoy it. Also, I can finally ask a question I have always wondered about.

You know that flashing/shaking banner ad at the top of the page that says, basically "If this ad is flashing/shaking, congratulations, you are a winner. Click on this ad to get your free prize". Does it ever say "sorry bud, this ad isn't shaking or flashing so you're a loser. Dont' bother clicking on this ad cause we'll charge you for everything (and sell your email address too)"?

Just curious.

All BBspot readers are winners!

More Superheroes

From: XXXXXX [mailto:XXXXXX@psu.edu]
Sent: Friday, April 18, 2003 10:56 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: More dubious superheroes

(after http://bbspot.com/News/2003/04/top_11_mutants.html):

Heh - reminds me of the super heroes and villains my brother and I used to come up with, years ago:

We decided my brother is, in fact, "The Quartermaster," with the ability to beat any arcade game on the first quarter's try. And I was "Sleepy," the guy who can instantly fall asleep at will, no matter what's going on around him, or how comfortable or not the nearest bed/chair/rock/etc is (really handy since enemies can never interrogate him).

There were plenty of others, including these villains:

"The Belittler" and his sidekick, "Bum Rap" - the former had the potentially very powerful ability to see all of your past like an open book, but the only thing he could do with this knowledge was rub your face in the most embarassing bits ("remember that one time when you were five and you..."). The latter would come up with songs to mock you even more.

"The Abbreviator" (or "Abbrv.") - he cuts his enemies down to size.

Then there were, to supplement The Avengers and The West Coast Avengers:

The "Gulf Coast Avengers," with:
"King Cajun" - can eat anything, no matter how spicy or large in quantity
"Redneck" - can raise the surface temperature of his neck to millions of
degrees
"Jailbait" - (take a wild guess on this one)

"The Midwest Avengers," (I think my brother and some of his college buddies at UNI came up with these) including:
"Skippy" - peanut butter didn't stick to the roof of his mouth
"The Corn Kid" - could communicate telepathically through/with corn which meant everybody on the team had corn phones)
"The Trafficator" - could telepathically influence traffic signals (really handy in a car-chase scene)
"The Hugmeister" - could get any job he applied for

Good stuff. Looking forward to more...

Profane Computers

Could this be Nolan Curtis' long lost brother?

From: George Wiman
Sent: Monday, April 21, 2003 1:12 PM
To: submissions@bbspot.com
Subject: Profanity and computers

I know the popular theory is that high-tech devices run on electricity. But that theory is wrong: high-tech devices run on profanity. When was the last time you swore at a lamp? Lamps run on electricity, not profanity. Computers have several small lamps in them, which is why they need some electricity, but swearing at a computer really does make it run better.
- -
Having been in the computer support field for eight years, I feel qualified to make this statement. People think I'm a technical guru but my secret is constantly muttering profanity under my breath while I fix their systems. It's easy - anyone can learn to do it.
- -
As an example, this weekend, I needed to run a network cable from the router in my basement to my workbench. My terminal crimper was broken, so I set out to buy a new one. Swearing dutifully at traffic on the way, I arrived safely to purchase the replacement crimper and some CAT5 certified RJ45 cable ends.
- -
CAT5e cable is expensive, but I didn't have to buy any thanks to the wastefulness of several construction projects around town (an ample supply can be found in dumpsters.) I selected a long piece from my box of salvaged cable and arranged the twisted wires for crimping. Since I am quite dyslexic, I got the order wrong, resulting in a nonfunctional cable and nearly an hour's troubleshooting with network properties on the computer. What happened?
- -
Well, I remembered to swear at the computer, so the network properties were set correctly. Wait! I forgot to cuss out the cable! Sure enough, I had calmly and confidently set the wires into the terminals and crimped them, without comparing them to excrement or questioning if the wire was excessively attached to its mother. The cable could not work.
- -
Correcting that error, I cut off the incorrectly made terminals. I again consulted the cable chart, cursing the design of the chart that had mislead my dyslexic vision, the maker of the crimping tool, and the manufacturer of the wire for making the color-coding too hard to see. (Never mind that my eyesight isn't what it used to be.) Need I add that the cable now worked perfectly?
- -
A technician friend of mine says that high-tech devices run on smoke, not profanity. He says that everything works fine until a malfunction lets the smoke out, and after that the device doesn't work anymore. He could be right, though I notice he liberally applies an astounding range of obscenity while fixing systems. He is a master technician, covering all the bases.
- -
Mark Twain said that he "...found in profanity solace unexcelled by prayer." People who object to 'bad' words as an affront to morality need to stop and give thanks for everything the high-tech revolution has given them. All over the world, tech people are swearing, cussing, inventing new obscene suggestions for Bill Gates, just to keep the world's technology working. It's not just a job, it's a calling.

George Wiman, Computer Support Specialist


That's all for this week. Thanks.

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