Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without
the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing
because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of
the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just
I could've made a fortune from the people that wanted to buy this
video card ...
Sent: Saturday, April 26, 2003 5:43 PM
Subject: smack G500 video card
i was impressed with your information about the Matrox smack
G500 video card.
can u spend ur more valuable time and forward me some details
so that i can purchase this card or more Link about the manufacturer
of this Video card.
I would be obliged.
This guy was very insistent. He sent me this e-mail three
separate times .
My beloved Red Wings got swept in the first round of the playoffs
and The Toque's editor Dale Tudge
couldn't resist poking a little fun...
From: Dale Tudge
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2003 10:56 PM
To: Brian Briggs
Subject: Wings and things
Here's the part where I gloat about hockey...nah
Canada's Source For Humour And Satire
Yum! This crow tastes good.
Something most of you have probably wondered at one time or another...
Sent: Monday, April 21, 2003 2:13 PM
Subject: just a question
-- Been coming to your site for years now. Really enjoy it.
Also, I can finally ask a question I have always wondered about.
You know that flashing/shaking banner ad at the top of the
page that says, basically "If this ad is flashing/shaking,
congratulations, you are a winner. Click on this ad to get
your free prize". Does it ever say "sorry bud, this
ad isn't shaking or flashing so you're a loser. Dont' bother
clicking on this ad cause we'll charge you for everything (and
sell your email address too)"?
All BBspot readers are winners!
From: XXXXXX [mailto:XXXXXX@psu.edu]
Sent: Friday, April 18, 2003 10:56 AM
Subject: More dubious superheroes
Heh - reminds me of the super heroes and villains my brother
and I used to come up with, years ago:
We decided my brother is, in fact, "The Quartermaster," with
the ability to beat any arcade game on the first quarter's
try. And I was "Sleepy," the guy who can instantly
fall asleep at will, no matter what's going on around him,
or how comfortable or not the nearest bed/chair/rock/etc is
(really handy since enemies can never interrogate him).
There were plenty of others, including these villains:
"The Belittler" and his sidekick, "Bum Rap" -
the former had the potentially very powerful ability to see
all of your past like an open book, but the only thing he could
do with this knowledge was rub your face in the most embarassing
bits ("remember that one time when you were five and you...").
The latter would come up with songs to mock you even more.
"The Abbreviator" (or "Abbrv.") - he
cuts his enemies down to size.
Then there were, to supplement The Avengers and The West
The "Gulf Coast Avengers," with:
"King Cajun" - can eat anything, no matter how spicy or large in quantity
"Redneck" - can raise the surface temperature of his neck to millions
"Jailbait" - (take a wild guess on this one)
"The Midwest Avengers," (I think my brother and
some of his college buddies at UNI came up with these) including:
"Skippy" - peanut butter didn't stick to the roof of his mouth
"The Corn Kid" - could communicate telepathically through/with corn
which meant everybody on the team had corn phones)
"The Trafficator" - could telepathically influence traffic signals
(really handy in a car-chase scene)
"The Hugmeister" - could get any job he applied for
Good stuff. Looking forward to more...
Could this be Nolan Curtis' long lost brother?
From: George Wiman
Sent: Monday, April 21, 2003 1:12 PM
Subject: Profanity and computers
I know the popular theory is that high-tech devices run on
electricity. But that theory is wrong: high-tech devices run
on profanity. When was the last time you swore at a lamp? Lamps
run on electricity, not profanity. Computers have several small
lamps in them, which is why they need some electricity, but
swearing at a computer really does make it run better.
Having been in the computer support field for eight years, I feel qualified
to make this statement. People think I'm a technical guru but my secret is
constantly muttering profanity under my breath while I fix their systems.
It's easy - anyone can learn to do it.
As an example, this weekend, I needed to run a network cable from the router
in my basement to my workbench. My terminal crimper was broken, so I set
out to buy a new one. Swearing dutifully at traffic on the way, I arrived
safely to purchase the replacement crimper and some CAT5 certified RJ45 cable
CAT5e cable is expensive, but I didn't have to buy any thanks to the wastefulness
of several construction projects around town (an ample supply can be found
in dumpsters.) I selected a long piece from my box of salvaged cable and
arranged the twisted wires for crimping. Since I am quite dyslexic, I got
the order wrong, resulting in a nonfunctional cable and nearly an hour's
troubleshooting with network properties on the computer. What happened?
Well, I remembered to swear at the computer, so the network properties were
set correctly. Wait! I forgot to cuss out the cable! Sure enough, I had calmly
and confidently set the wires into the terminals and crimped them, without
comparing them to excrement or questioning if the wire was excessively attached
to its mother. The cable could not work.
Correcting that error, I cut off the incorrectly made terminals. I again
consulted the cable chart, cursing the design of the chart that had mislead
my dyslexic vision, the maker of the crimping tool, and the manufacturer
of the wire for making the color-coding too hard to see. (Never mind that
my eyesight isn't what it used to be.) Need I add that the cable now worked
A technician friend of mine says that high-tech devices run on smoke, not
profanity. He says that everything works fine until a malfunction lets the
smoke out, and after that the device doesn't work anymore. He could be right,
though I notice he liberally applies an astounding range of obscenity while
fixing systems. He is a master technician, covering all the bases.
Mark Twain said that he "...found in profanity solace unexcelled by
prayer." People who object to 'bad' words as an affront to morality
need to stop and give thanks for everything the high-tech revolution has
given them. All over the world, tech people are swearing, cussing, inventing
new obscene suggestions for Bill Gates, just to keep the world's technology
working. It's not just a job, it's a calling.
George Wiman, Computer Support Specialist
That's all for this week. Thanks.
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