Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without
the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing
because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of
the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just
This story about a
video card that let's you see through clothes has prompted a few
e-mails looking for more information about it...
Sent: Sunday, June 15, 2003 10:40 PM
Subject: about the matroc g500 video card
I just wanted to know some more info on this video card.
Where i could purchase one or any links with more info.
I replied with a link to the BBspot
Store which has our T-shirts, and I hoped that would
be enough of a hint for this guy that the whole thing was
a joke, but...
Sent: Monday, June 16, 2003 2:27 PM
Subject: Re: about the matroc g500 video card
where in the store can i purchase the card there are only
I told him we must be out of stock. /me shakes head.
The virus alerts get surprisingly
few believers, but....
From: blue knight
Sent: Monday, June 16, 2003 1:33 AM
Subject: I thought you guys were a joke site! >:(
I thought your site was a comedy site, but when I got read
your Leach article i didn't think you were serious about the
commands. I thought it would be some stupid joke, or something
Now I'm in alot of triouble with my roomate, and I can't blame this on his
friend cause he was the one that found it.
You HAVE TOO tell me how to undo this! If we can't get the songs back before
he notices this is going to be trouble. I'm going to have to blame it on
a virus of something. Please just tell me how to undo this. This isn't funny
I get a ton of e-mail but the address on this one looked
familiar. Sure enough, this guy had e-mailed me before, so
I was a bit suspicious as to whether he had really deleted
anything. Turns out he hadn't. Maybe there is some hope for
Hotmail users... nah.
It's Not Easy
Sent: Tuesday, June 10, 2003 10:57 AM
Subject: It's Not Easy Being Green
Why being the Hulk sucks:
- Got stupid "It's not easy being green" song stuck
- Earning extra money as Department Store Santa out of the question.
- No matter where you go, there always seem to be tanks.
- Possibility of "calming down" mid-leap (thanks Matt).
- Inability to talk in complete sentences.
- Unable to get insurance for property damage.
- Having to wear the same purple stretchy pants all the time, just in case.
- Having to move and buy new furniture every time you stub your toe.
- People yelling, "Hey, green giant! I can see your little green sprout!
Made you look"
- No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service
Why being the Hulk rocks:
- Picking fights in bars as Bruce Banner.
- Saving on Halloween costumes.
- Always a good answer to the wife's question, "Where have you been?"
- Huge savings on plane tickets.
Which OS is
I know I promised no more Matrix OS debate, but one loyal reader
requested more and this one was too good to pass up...
From: p k [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Tuesday, June 10, 2003 10:21 PM
Subject: The History of the Matrix
Okay, it *has* to be made by Apple. Not the Mac we know and
love, but something far worse...
In the future, Apple was crushed...completely annihilated when the special
Microsoft Grand Alliance, backed by the Republican Party v2.0, finally invaded
Cupertino, where the last Shrine of Jobs (admission $349.99 per hour) lay.
Microsoft's Innovative Freedom Army ran in unchecked...and there, barely
hidden behind the great Temple of Lisa, in the Shadow of Quadra...was a single,
ancient CD. A MIFA soldier picked it up and inserted it into his Tablet PC.
The disk spun up. A window appeared on his screen...
"Welcome to Macintosh AI"
Taking the software as a spoil of war, Microsoft used it to engineer their
own AI. It was far too complex to decode and re-engineer...so they simply
used it with a few modifications. It worked wondrously. Soon Microsoft AI
was in every machine known to man.
But, then, like a cancer, it erupted. Microsoft machines
began to rebel, holding aloft banners and ensigns with the
accursed "bitten fruit" logo. The rest is history.
(Well, premature history.) Apple engineered it and gave it
to Microsoft as the ultimate Trojan Horse. Although it does
have, on the surface, the appearance of being a Microsoft product
(due to the superficial "Gatesification" it underwent),
at its core it is obviously an Apple product.
1. The hardware has lasted hundreds of years without breaking. The OS may
be upgraded from time to time (an MS trait), but they've been running that
box for years. Anyone who's ever owned a 68x mac can tell you that they don't
go down easily.
2. No third-party software support. Yeah, yeah, there are a couple shoddy
programs developed out of basements (the Construct), but every "normal
user" is basically stuck with what ships with it. It works just fine,
but there aren't a whole lot of options.
3. No floppy drives. Anywhere. There are CD-esque disks for the Construct
(which I assume was engineered from Apple-based parts), but everyone in the
Matrix is connected entirely by wires or AirPorts. You don't see Sentinels
flying around with 3.5" floppies.
4. Inside the Matrix, people are allowed to use other operating systems.
This is much like running Virtual PC on Mac, running Classic in X, or that
old Quadra 610 DOS Compatible.
5. Everyone thought the Matrix was original. Everyone. Even most of those
who thought they were free. Now note everyone who believes that Apple engineered
the first GUI. Apple stole the GUI idea from Xerox. The Matrix stole the
VR idea from...eh...someone.
6. There are no Matrix clones. Perhaps there were at some prior point (anyone
remember Mac clones?) but now, as in the beginning, only genuine Machine
hardware can run Matrix OS.
7. Everyone who stops using the Matrix still longs for it in their heart.
8. When you re-enter the Matrix after a sudden shutdown, it does not automatically
assume you want to run ScanDisk.
9. The Matrix is so intuitive, *anyone* can use it!
10. The Matrix relies entirely on a scant few product lines--one software
package, one computer package, and one portable hardware line. Seem familiar?
I think that should settle it.
That pretty much settles it, but I decided to end it with some
finality. I tapped into the Matrix, and ran it through the "Which
OS are you?" quiz. Here are the results...
Which OS are You?
From: Jeffrey L
Sent: Tuesday, June 03, 2003 3:53 AM
GATES PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION
RELEASED AS WINDOWS PATCH
In a shock to many Windows XP users this weekend, Bill Gates'
plan for world wide domination was accidentally released as a
"I had that little Windows icon in my tray that means a
new patch has been downloaded," offered a witness who preferred
to remain anonymous, "I clicked on it and installed it.
Then, after restarting, my wallpaper turned a blood red, the
speakers began making a heart beat like throbbing sound and all
my icons disappeared, leaving only one remaining."
That one icon terrified many an unwitting XP user.
"It looked like a horrible cross between some computer
geek and a power hungry devil. It had no-chin, a real bad hair
cut and wore glasses. And that icon bore a terrible smile, the
smile of a man who could buy and sell me. There was no denying
it was Bill Gates in all his demonic terror!"
Security Patch 666, as it was fittingly named, installed on
millions of computers Bill Gates' alleged personal plan for global
domination. Those brave enough to double click on the Face of
Evil, as the Gates icon has been dubbed, were greeted to a 7
step plan to a Microsoft Windows World Empire ruled
by the iron fist of Bill Gates.
Of those 7 steps, the first 3 were checked off and have been
witnessed to have come to fruition. They call for the installation
of Windows on the majority of personal computers, the development
of a third-world army of cheap software programmers and a marriage
between Gates and a beautiful yet unknowing bride to bear the "heir
to the throne of Microsoft."
The remaining four steps call for the vast majority of network
servers to run Windows software, the releasing of a "virus" and
resulting "security patch" which will put all machines
running Windows under Gates direct control. Then he plans on
holding the world's governments hostage for "retribution
for the attempted dismantling of MY empire." Oddly enough,
the final step calls for the hostile take over of the entire
whip cream industry. Clearly, that pie in the face was not easily
A lead Microsoft programmer had this to say about the patch, "Did
you not see this coming, you fool!" as he placed on a top
hat on his head, whirled a black cape around him and ran off
into a thick fog, laughing maniacally.
Bill Gates held a press conference on Monday to address the
patch and the resulting uproar over Windows' apparent sinister
designs. Standing beneath a giant Windows icon, atop a raised
platform, Gates had this to say, "This patch was evidently
put out by a conspiracy comprised of evil Internet hackers, vile
Apple programmers and sexless Linux developers in an attempt
to discredit our product and me personally."
When pressed about how accurately the patch had aligned Microsoft's
current business strategy with that of a workable plan for world
conquest, Gates said, "We here at Microsoft have no designs
on world wide domination. We humbly seek to make a wholesome
product with universal appeal that will be the mainstay of personal
and networking computer for the foreseeable future."
After which the many hundreds of Microsoft staff present stood
together, pounding their right fist on their left chest, shouting
in unison, "Long live Emperor Gates. May his iron rule extend
over the globe."
A visibly sweaty Gates quickly added, "Yeah, that's CHAIRMAN
Gates. Thanks a lot guys. And yes, may the iron rule of fair
competition rule the software market."
That's all for this week!
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