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East Lansing, MI - Researchers from Michigan State University discovered
that plants have a rudimentary nerve structure which allows them
to feel pain.
 David
Blackford who heads the research team explained, "The nervous
system is undeveloped, but it is there. This could be the evolutionary
breakthrough that we've been looking for."
While a great research breakthrough for scientists, the discovery
causes a dilemma for strict vegetarians who don't eat animal products
because of concerns about animal safety.
A group of vegetarians at the local Carrot Café restaurant
shared their feelings.
"If a potato feels pain, I might as well eat a baby seal," said
Carrie Selby of Lansing. "Or maybe, I'll try out that all-dirt
diet I've heard so much about."
Jenna Chang from Okemos added, "I always thought I heard a
tiny scream every time I pulled a carrot out of the ground at the
community garden."
Meat lovers reported a much greater desire to devour a salad after
hearing the news. "I knew it," exclaimed one carnivore, "those
vegetarians act all high and mighty and they're just as big of killers
as I am. Heck, even more so. Only one cow had to die to make my steak,
but lots of plants were massacred to make that mixed green salad!"
People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants sprang up concurrently
with the announcement. "We've placed picketers at cornfields
around the country. They grow these things so close together, the
stalks barely have room to turn around and move," said PETP
spokesperson William Wagner.
"We're recommending that our members focus on food items that
don't feel pain like nerve damaged infants or Styrofoam," Wagner
continued. "Here, have one of our 'Salad is Murder' T-shirts."
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