Vatican City - God did not rule out smiting as a final measure against
those who share his most famous work, the Bible, on the Internet.
This marks the first time a deity has spoken on IT-related questions
since Steve Jobs was temporarily Enlightened when touching the One
True iMac some years ago.
Citing misuse of His word, misquotation, and putting hardworking
Bible printers out of work, God said he would now start hunting Bible
pirating around the globe. "I have to defend both my world-famous
brand - the Bible and its distinctive likenesses - and the livelihood
of those who create and distribute legal copies of it. Sure, they
live not by bread alone, but website hits - someone else's website
mind you - don't pay the bills for these folks."
Since large portions of the Bible are many centuries old, many
people believe the work to be in the public domain. Not so, said
God. "Look, most copyright laws are based on something like
the author's lifetime plus, let's say, 15 years. News flash: I'm
" I am a jealous God," He said, "but I am by no
means unreasonable. If the person will stop distributing My copyrighted
materials, there will be no further consequences. Like I've said
before: hate pirating, love the pirate."
Ironically, some of those most likely to be hit by these measures are among
God's biggest fans. The Reverend Alfred Jackson is a minister at the church
of St. Cecilia in Kansas City. In his spare time, he maintains the Bible study
website "eChapter and eVerse," which cross-references large parts
of the bible with commentary from clergy and laypeople from around the world.
God said that 'spreading the Gospel' was not a valid defense for
distributing copyrighted materials. "Rev. Jackson has published
at least 35% of My word electronically, where anyone with an internet
connection can download it. Thrice did I call on him to repent; thrice
did he ignore me or refer me to the EFF [Electronic Frontier Foundation]."
Jackson said he had had several emails from someone claiming to
be the Deity, but had first dismissed them as pranks. When he received
the second 'cease and desist’, Jackson contacted the EFF and
asked for advice.
Marie Dang, an attorney with EFF said smiting was clearly an unreasonable response
to alleged copyright infringement. "I realize that legal text often spells
out all the details and ramifications right from the start. But mentions of
smiting and damnation are hardly suitable for a first letter," said Dang.
Responding to widespread criticism over perceived misuse of omnipotence,
God said people had misunderstood Him. "I repeat: Smiting would
only be a last resort against the unrepentant. True, neither My Son
nor I thought of electronic piracy when I sent him to earth. However,
we have decided to include it as a 'sin' for purposes of forgiveness.
I don't know who put in that 'damnation' stuff."
When asked what His next step might be, God was reluctant to discuss
specifics. He stressed that He would consider the effect of His actions
on the meek. "Let's make one thing clear," He said, "I
may be omnipotent, but I'm not crazy: It's not like I think I'm Jack
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