Interstellar Space - Despite the 5,600 light years that separate
them, Wal-Mart has already opened a store on a newly discovered planet
whose existence was unknown until last week.
The inhabitants of the planet -- which happens to be older than
our sun -- expressed relief that they too would finally experience
"It's about freaking time," Xzara-ra-^S, a DsD^pQi,
"I mean, we've been waiting for price breaks on stuff like
brand-name patios sets for, literally, billions of years."
Xzara-ra-^S then purchased a Palm Valley 5-Piece Wicker Patio
Set with its Wal-Mart Credit Card. "You can only use the card
at Wal-Mart stores, but I figure most of my shopping's gonna be
done here anyway," it explained. "You can't beat a good
"We're proud to serve these good aliens," announced
Phil Brubaker, Vice President of Extra-Terrestrial Sales, in a
prepared statement. "It's gratifying to know that, despite
vast interstellar distances, nothing can stop Wal-Mart from providing
everyone the products they want at everyday low prices.
"Also, I claim this planet in name of Wal-Mart, and henceforth
it shall be known as Planet Wal-Mart," Brubaker added darkly.
Not Everyone Happy
WiQaZ-ty-^R, a DsD^pQi reseller of GRAAH, is worried about the
future of his business.
"I suppose, now that freakin' Wal-Mart's here, they'll be
slashing prices on GRAAH and driving me outta business," it
said. "That seems to be the pattern, anyway. Sure, they'll
lose money at first, but once all the GRAAH resellers are outta
business, then they'll control the entire freakin' industry."
Donald Rumsfeld, a secretary of defense for a suddenly not-so-powerful
nation, is worried about the future of Earth.
"How in God's name did Wal-Mart set up shop on an planet
that would take NASA tens of thousands of years to reach?" he
wondered. Rumsfeld expressed concern that Wal-Mart might conquer
Earth with its new found technology.
Brubaker scoffed at the idea,
saying, "We conquered your
puny race five years ago."
Wal-Mart stock ended the day up $1.54 in trading.
This article appears courtesy of the fine folks at The
New News on No Apologies! Press.
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