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Washington, DC - In an effort to reduce the federal deficit,
President Bush announced today that all Americans must work weekends
at Wal-Mart.
The retail giant has agreed to absorb the $2.4 trillion
deficit in return for Americans providing free labor. Bush, who
now calls himself the “Store Manager in Chief”, called
the program “another bold step in our efforts to privatize
the US government.”
 Wal-Mart will pay one dollar towards the deficit for every hour an
American is locked in a store and forced to stack boxes. “If
every American gives up just 20 hours every weekend,” said
Bush “we will erase the deficit in nine short years.”
Bush apologized for letting the deficit so large. “Gosh,” he
said, “I had no idea we were frittering away so much money.
I must have missed a cabinet meeting or something.” Bush will
be taking other steps to reduce the deficit, including the elimination
of the Department of Transportation. “What the hell do they
do anyway?” he asked.
Americans working at Wal-Mart will be subject to the standard Wal-Mart
policy of no rest room breaks for whiners or anyone who utters the
word “union”. Wal-Mart will also continue their normal
policy of hiring large numbers of illegal immigrants.
All Americans will be going through the Wal-Mart training program,
which includes classes on “Greeting Customers With A Smile
Even Though Your Job Sucks” and “Stop Being Such An Ingrate”.
Bush said Dick Cheney would be handling the details of the Wal-Mart
program because “the poor guy needs something to do.” Cheney
was not available for comment, however, because he was busy cleaning
up a spill in aisle six.
Bush denied the program was related to the large donations Wal-Mart
gave his presidential campaign. “I just love Wal-Mart!” he
said.
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