New York, NY - At the United Nations today President George W. Bush
announced a proposal to unify all the world's time zones into a single
Universal Time Zone (UTZ), formerly known as the Eastern Time Zone.
"It's unfair to the United States that other countries have
the advantage of being in tomorrow while the US is stuck in today," said
Bush. "If it's 9 PM in Washington D.C., it's already tomorrow
in London or Paris. That patently unfair."
Bush continued, "Right now, Americans are losing jobs to other
countries whose workforce can give overnight service during their
normal daylight hours. We'll level the playing field and keep more
jobs in the US with the UTZ."
If all countries agree it would make jet lag a thing of the past,
and international callers wouldn't have to worry about waking someone
Experts have agreed the the current system is confusing. Some areas
use Daylight Saving Time. Others are shifted by a half an hour. It
causes unnecessary confusion and is estimated to decrease worldwide
GDP by a half of a percent every year.
"Under the Bush UTZ plan, countries could either keep their
current schedules and just adjust their clocks, or they could change
their whole society to match the new time. But Bush warned against
the former option, "It would be very risky for countries to
eat lunch at a different time than the US. You are either with us
or against us on this."
Britain immediately supported the US plan. "If it means sleeping
in broad daylight then we'll stick with our allies," said Tony
Blair, "Of course there's never broad daylight in the UK, so
it's not much of an issue."
Opponents of the plan, which include many prominent biologists,
said that it will throw off the normal circadian rhythms that humans
have, and that "species with almost human intelligence like
dolphins and lawyers will be unduly traumatized by the clock shift."
France, another opponent of the plan, claimed it is too Anglocentric,
and should be based on French time. President Chirac did concede
that "it wouldn't affect us too much because all our workers
stop working at noon anyway."
Whether or not the rest of the world implements the UTZ, Bush plans
to have UTZ in place by October in the US. "I get confused when
I go from DC to the ranch. I can't remember what time it is. Is it
ten? Is it eleven? Under my plan everyone can watch The West Wing
at the same time, and those lazy Californians can get up at a decent
hour like the rest of us."
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