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Thursday, April 15 12:00 AM EDT

Jesus Lacks Passion, Downsized

By Darian Glover

Vatican City - Heaven announced that effective immediately Jesus has stepped down from his position on the Holy Trinity.

Citing poor performance and recent scandals within the church, it was decided that rightsizing in management was in order. "It is with some sadness, but with great hope for the future that we make this move," said Heaven spokesperson Archangel Gabriel.

While a surprise to many, some analysts expected such a move. "Given the poor profits, and benefits of outsourcing, it was only a matter of time before Heaven responded to market conditions," explained Tim Williamson with First Boston.

With no replacement named, speculation is that Jesus' departure is the first step in a greater plan of outsourcing work to India. As with many organizations, Heaven could reap large savings leveraging the benefits of a globalized world. Buddhaco Ltd. has been named as one possible offshore partner.

"With today's technology it is inefficient to send individual angels to perform miracles," explained Doug Fitzpatrick with Gartner. "A centralized miracle center is much more efficient, given the number of wireless broadband hotspots in the marketplace."

Perhaps Jesus' largest failure so far has been his inability to deliver one of the company's largest projects on time. Code Named The Second Coming, this project’s schedule has slipped repeatedly.

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Religious scholar Susan Donnellson with the Religious Studies department with the University of Florida explained, "There would always be this big promotional blitz, lots of buzz, and then nothing. I just don't think Jesus had the passion for it."

Jesus has taken a job at a Panera Bread in Palmdale. "I saw it coming when Hebrew Gmbh didn't want me, and I got out in time," said Jesus. "Omnipotence is a very useful business skill which most colleges tend to forget about these days. Now I use my bread multiplying skills to cut costs for Panera."

The Holy Ghost did not immediately return calls for comment. Heaven's stock went up 1.25 in after-hours trading.

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