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Wednesday, May 12 12:00 AM ET

BBspot Mailbag

Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.


Believers

The temptation of having a video card that can see through clothes is just too much for some people...

From: xxxxxx@hotmail.com
Sent: Saturday, May 08, 2004 8:20 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com

how do i get one of those video cards

Sadly, I get a lot of e-mails like this. Ones that assume I'm looking over the shoulder of the person reading the site so I know exactly what they are talking about.

From: "Brian Briggs" <briggsb@bbspot.com>
To: xxxxxx@hotmail.com
RE: Date: Sat, 8 May 2004 20:56:48 -0400

Which video card is that?

From: xxxxxx@hotmail.com
Sent: Saturday, May 08, 2004 8:59 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com

mach smack G450

Oh brother, not another one...

From: xxxxxx@hotmail.com
Sent: Sunday, May 09, 2004 11:53 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com

ANYONE THERE.....

This guy is certainly anxious about this one.

From: "Brian Briggs" <briggsb@bbspot.com>
To: xxxxxx@hotmail.com
Date: Sun, 9 May 2004 13:56:22 -0400

Yes, someone is here. BBspot is a humor site. The card you are asking about doesn't exist.

Usually after I sent a response like this, I no longer hear from the Believer. But not this guy...

From: xxxxxx@hotmail.com
Sent: Sunday, May 09, 2004 2:00 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com

your home page talks about the new video card????

From: "Brian Briggs" <briggsb@bbspot.com>
To: xxxxxx@hotmail.com
Date: Sun, 9 May 2004 16:34:44 -0400

BBspot is a satirical news and comedy source and meant to be funny. If you are easily offended, gullible, or don't have a sense of humor we suggest you go elsewhere.

That should do it. Nope...

From: xxxxxx@hotmail.com
Sent: Sunday, May 09, 2004 5:41 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: RE:

why does it have the new mach smack g450 video card on there... send me the site

From: Brian Briggs
To: xxxxxx@hotmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, May 11, 2004 11:03 AM

My site makes fun of things. The card doesn't exist. I made it up.

Nothing back yet. I think he gave up on me, and went searching for the card somewhere else. I wonder how many inquiries Matrox gets about this one?

It's always good to look at the URL before reading a story, especially about multi-player Nethack mods...

From: David
Sent: Thursday, May 06, 2004 1:38 PM
To: 'briggsb@bbspot.com'
Subject: Nethack 4.0

Thanks to you, my day has been ruined. "Oh! New lan-Nethack! Cool! - Oh, wait. This is BBspot. Damn you Brian Briggs!"

 


Video Card Comparison

I knew a controversial subject like video cards would generate a lot of e-mail. I was right...

From: Mark
Sent: Friday, May 07, 2004 1:33 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Radeon X800 vs. GeForce 6800

" Coin Flip - Best of 7

GeFORCE 6800 - Heads
Radeon X800 - Tails

Advantage - GeFORCE 4-3"

Did you actualy flip a flippin' coin?? That's nuts.

Flipping a coin seven times can be dangerous and time-consuming work. That is why I hired out the work to professional coin flippers, who could guarantee complete fairness, accuracy and safety in the process. I did get a paper cut writing them their check though.

From: George
Sent: Friday, May 07, 2004 10:13 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Thanks for helping me choose my next video card

Thanks for your superficial, cool-factor review of ATi and nVIDIA's newest video cards. There were two items in the review that helped me decide which card I want: The fact that nVIDIA's mascot highlights advanced rendering functions, and the fact that nVIDIA stresses high-end floating-point rendering. It seems that ATi is focusing on the gaming market while ignoring those who want a card that will deliver a good balance of gaming and 3D CAD rendering. Let the gamers have their ATi cards. I'll stick with nVIDIA. After all, I've got nine fingers left.

Wait a minute, the review wasn't supposed to be helpful!

From: Kristian
Sent: Friday, May 07, 2004 6:57 AM
To: 'BBspot (briggsb@bbspot.com)'
Subject: Video Card Showdown

Not since ...
... Amiga introduced the "Gary" and "Paula" chips ...
... Apple sold computers based on colours and transparency ...

... has anyone truly understood the hardware-buying public like you do.

"Ultrashader and Smartshadow - They're cops"

I have my finger on the pulse of the hardware-buying public.


Bad Lighting

I moved my office down to the basement, and it has taken me a few days to get good lighting for the webcam shots. One reader thinks there may be something more sinister than just bad lighting though...

From: Kevin
Sent: Thursday, May 06, 2004 3:37 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: BBSpot author denies vampirism

Brian Briggs, the owner of the online technology news site BBspot.com, denied today accusations of vampirism. The accusations came as readers noticed Mr. Briggs seemed to have developed drastically lighter skin and dark circles under the eyes in recent weeks.

In a move that fueled further speculation last week, Mr. Briggs moved his office into the dark and poorly lit basement of his 18th century mansion. When asked if he had also changed sleeping habits and was perhaps spending his daylight hours in a coffin, Mrs. Briggs had no comment except for baring her slightly enlarged incisors.

Neighbors noted that although Mr. Briggs claimed to have sustained several injuries from moving his office down to the basement, they were barely noticeable just days later.

"That seems like mighty quick regeneration for someone who claims to have lost a large chunk of his middle finger if you ask me." speculated one neighbor who preferred to remain anonymous.

When caught at home around midnight one evening last week, it was noted that both Mr. and Mrs. Briggs reacted very angrily when exposed to a high-powered spotlight, simulating the light of the sun.

"What the hell are you f**king perverts doing shining a light through my bedroom window at this time of night!" he was heard yelling as he attempted to attack local paranormal investigators.

Speculation was ripe that the Briggs' may have contracted their vampirism while vacationing overseas in Iran.

"Isn't that where Dracula was from?", asked one curious neighbor.

"No, he was from Romania." pointed out one more geographically competent onlooker.

"Iran, Romania, whatever. All I'm saying is that it's not America, and you know how diseases spread in them other places." was the response.

Meanwhile, people started to drift away as it seemed unlikely the Briggs' would make an appearance before nightfall.


Bad Advice

I knew printing articles about freezing hard drives in a block of ice might cause a bit of trouble...

From: Chris
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 5:42 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Hard drive article - Thank you!

I'd like to thank you for your hard drive cooling article. I too have had a similar problem, but the local PC shop said that it was more likely my motherboard. They don't know much. I think it's my keyboard.

To that end, I followed your instructions as per the hard drive. I'm not that silly - I know that when the hard drive freezes the platters will actually shrink and while the data would be easier to get off, the bytes will be smaller - I'm not sure that winzip has that option.

Anyway, it all was going well until I got the keyboard out of the freezer. Wouldn't believe it, but the keys were stuck. I couldn't type at all! I'd actually made the keyboard SLOWER!

All fixed now. I've brought the air conditioner down from the window and placed it next to my keyboard, blowing directly onto it. I have to wear gloves, but it's at least I can now type again!

Thank you for your enlightening advice. I must get back to it. I've got a new Pen pal from Nigeria. We're going to be rich together!


That's all for this week!

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Copyright 1999-2011 by BBspot LLC
BBspot is a tech satire news and geek humor source, and meant to be funny.
If you are easily offended, gullible, or don't have a sense of humor, we suggest you go elsewhere. Those without the geek gene activated should also avoid this site.