Washington DC - The 9/11 Commission's recently issued report states that neoconservative advisers to President George Bush form "a clear and present danger that must be immediately addressed."
The report states that neoconservatives, including Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz, his principal deputy, represent "perhaps the greatest security threat the nation faces today, exceeding even that posed by the other two major challenges: al-Qaeda and reality television." The panel recommended that "direct action" be taken to meet this threat, "including but not limited to pushing selected neoconservatives out of a high window."
The report recognized there were risks in taking the offensive against neoconservatives. "For example, if there is a swimming pool or other soft surface below the chosen window, the injuries from the fall might well be subfatal." Also, the possibility that neocons might retaliate by gulling the president into invading a third world nation "could not be ruled out," according to the report.
However, panel chairperson Thomas Kean says the risks of inaction far outweigh the risks of undertaking the panel's recommendations. "There is simply no time to lose," Kean said in an interview yesterday. "I mean, have you ever talked to this guy Wolfowitz?" Kean said, circling his right ear with his forefinger in the universal gesture suggesting mental instability.
Democratic presidential contender John Kerry has already embraced the panel's recommendation. "I have gathered a team of experts to offer me options for the windows we would use to dispose of the neocons," Kerry said. Kerry pledged to act on the team's recommendations "within my first hundred days in office."
Bush administration officials have been more circumspect, although they are clearly feeling the political heat. National security advisor Condoleezza Rice told reporters yesterday "while the recommendation has some merit, defenestration seems a bit extreme." Rice said the president will be "studying all options" this week as he vacations at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. A senior administration official has suggested that among the options under consideration is "turfing out the more troublesome neocons to cushy dead-end positions at the American Enterprise Institute or Pepperdine University." However, the official denied the president is considering placing the neocons on a no-fly list.
Political experts agree the president's response to the panel's recommendation could make or break his reelection. "Bush takes huge risks with the slavering lunatic vote if he carries out this recommendation," noted Dr. Theodore Scholl, director of the Institute for the Study of Insufferable Bastards at Quinnipiac College. "On the other hand, failure to act will allow Kerry to portray him as soft on homeland security." Scholl predicted the administration would adopt a "compromise approach," noting that Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz might be pressured into accept jobs as expert commentators with Fox News. A representative for Fox did not return calls seeking comment.
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