Washington D.C. - In a bid to shore up the President's poll ratings in key battleground states, the Bush campaign is planning to put a "happy face" on the war on terror in the few remaining days before the election.
After "thousands of hours" of focus group research, the administration discovered that "talking about an endless cycle of fear, violence, and repression put off some voters."
"We want to show people the war and terror can be entertaining, uplifting, and family-friendly," one administration official said.
A key element of the campaign will be "reframing" the images of several senior Bush administration officials, including Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge and Attorney General John Ashcroft. "Let's face it," said an image consultant with the campaign. "Any time Tom Ridge speaks in public, it looks like he has some kind of severe rectal disorder." When asked about Ashcroft's image, the consultant rolled her eyes and said "Jesus, did he donate all his serotonin to charity, or what?"
The linchpin of the administration's new strategy is a series of planned television spots tentatively dubbed "America's Funniest Homeland Videos." The series of spots will show Americans "the lighter side of the war on terror" by featuring the "wacky antics of the Homeland's most lovable defenders," according to a press release. "You'll see John Ashcroft giving Donald Rumsfeld the 'hotfoot,' and witness Paul Wolfowitz' whoopee cushion artistry," the press release stated.
Insiders who have screened the first set of spots say some of them are "priceless." "When Ashcroft bitch-slapped Ridge during an argument over who got to raise the terror level to orange, everybody just roared," said a campaign strategist who saw a special early screening of the spots in the White House.
Experts are divided on whether the strategy will succeed. "Anything they can do to convince people that Rumsfeld isn't an alien invader from the galaxy M113 in Hercules is probably going to help them," said Dr. Edward Holiday, professor of culturally deficient studies at Southeastern Missouri State University. Others were not so sure.
"Giving any of these creeps more air time will help Kerry," said one consultant who is working for several Republican Congressional candidates. "They should just dump these assholes in Gitmo until the election's over."
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