Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.
One reader gets a little upset when he finds his BBeliever email in the Mailbag...
Sent: Saturday, March 04, 2006 4:13 AM
Subject: HOLY FREAKIN HELL....
I was bored as hell searching threw (through) the GOOGLE and I found the letter I had posted (actually I posted it)! Holy freakin monkey nuts!!! R U freakin kidding me!!!
Wow...... U posted that shit how long ago? 5 years (it was posted in last November) and I responded huh..... Well let me tell ya.... You are a hollywood brian (what does that even mean). Ya see..... Only hollywood TRASH would take some peoples (you mean people's) letters asking for help and post them by making fun of them (that doesn't make any sense) !!!! How in da crap is that funny? (trust me, it's hilarious) I know ur gonna post this one up that's why I'm lovin this shit cuz only some hollywood *** trash would do somethin like that...... Let me guess..... Your gonna post some lame non funny joke aside 2 this letter and think your the superior ("know" not "think") one by putting ur little JOKES .COM listen take (I think we're missing some punctuation here) the rainbow flag bumper sticker pride off your car and walk in shame.....
--xxxxxx & xxxxxxx Inc. Allrights (two words) reserved. Copywrite (You mean "Copyright") 1986.
A few minutes later I get this...
Sent: Saturday, March 04, 2006 4:42 AM
I'm not gonna stop writting you until you post my letters (actually he did) !!!!! I have you under *** in my email so don't think ima just stop (like I said, he did)..... I hate you and I think the people should know (that sounds like a love song)...... Oh... I just found out what the hell BB stands for.... I was thinken (thinking) some where along the line of "big banger" or somethin gay but I remembered your name was brian so I thought that was enough.... Come on!!!! Don't be so ANAL and post my letters so I can show my friends (doubtful)!!!! Show my friends how much I hate you (Oooh, burn!)... I hate hollywood! Don't you... You know..... As long as I'm here I'm gonna count....
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 (33 is next FYI)..... You know my favorite number is 26..... Yeah that's a great number. Man did you know that metallicas coming out with a new album! That's fuckin great!!!! Yeah.... What music do you listen 2 brian.... Your "fans" (parents, brothers, sisters, pets (and over half a million others monthly)) don't know much about you (neither do you apparently)! I think you should say a little something! Gee.... You said that you get letters weekly huh.... So why da hell is mine still posted from NOV, 05 and thers (there's) none after (There are plenty posted)??? BRIAN... Is your site not doing 2 well (Who are you Prince?)???? You should add porn.... That always does well (True I'm even funnier naked). But none of your german gay porn come on (Aw shucks).... You don't wanna lose your "fans" (parents, brothers, sisters, pets (I don't have any sisters, and to be truthful I don't let the fish read the site)) hey why is it when I'm on your site I always here (hear) wind howling (perhaps the empty space between your ears?) ???? Well remember I'm not apart (a part) of your homo fan club (I'm sure my homo fan club "BB's Rainbow Brigade" is happy about that) but that I just genuinly (genuinely) hate you and will continue 2 write and waiste (waste) my time just as you so surely waisting (wasting) your life (yes, but I get paid for it).
P.S. There is a picture of my shoe and one from your favorite band in the whole world! No not the spice girls (hey the Spice Girls thing was only temporary)!!! METALLICA!!! \m/
P.S.S. (P.P.S) I hate you.......
--xxxxxx & xxxxxxx Inc. Allrights reserved. Copywrite 1986.
When you stop staring in amazement, you can move on to the next section.
It appears our trailer review for The Pink Panther was spot on...
Sent: Thursday, March 16, 2006 8:45 AM
Subject: pink panther review
Hi Brian, just wanted to say that you were spot on with your trailer review for pink panther trailer, it was an absolutely atrocious movie, I got dragged along to see it with my girlfriend and it was easily the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Definitely do not bother seeing it!
Keep up the good work
Another reader offers some advice on Steve Martin movies...
Sent: Tuesday, February 28, 2006 2:05 PM
If you or anyone else you know is one of those people who has a goal to watch every Steve Martin movie ever made do NOT do it in chronological order. Start with the Pink Panther and work your way back to The Jerk. Skip Planes, Trains and Automobiles and come back to it last.
If I knew then what I know now that's how I would have done it.
Oh and about UltraVomit.. I was flipping through the channels and happened upon the trailer in progress and, I shit you not, the first thing that popped in my head was "Oh looks like they couldn't get Uma Thurman for number 3."
That's all for this week!
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