Bogota, Colombia - Crankshaft, a new energy drink which promises energy for days not just hours, has been flying off store shelves despite its $50 a can price.
"Today's energy drinks just don't satisfy consumers. The effects fizzle out after a few hours," said Power Source International (PSI) President Rod Heyward. "Our proprietary blend of caffeine, guarana, crystal meth and cocaine keeps people going for days."
Heyward warns the drink isn't for everyone. "It's your basic rollercoaster warning. No pregnant women, no kids under four feet, and no people with heart problems. Otherwise drink it up," he said.
Maurice Chilard, who drank his first bottle four days ago, has yet to lose his energy rush. "I've been very productive," he said. "I've stripped down and rebuilt my bike seven times. I don't think I could do that with Red Bull."
Heyward said that even at $50 a bottle price; sales have been "cranked up! Most are return customers. They can't get enough of it."
Many customers have complained that the drink gives them too much energy so PSI is creating a complementary drink with traces of heroin and barbiturates to bring drinkers back down to earth. "We realize not everyone wants to be awake for a week at a time, which is why we've created Downdraft."
Many parents are concerned that their kids are becoming addicted to the drink, and have called for the government to put a stop to sales of Crankshaft. Daryl Simmons of the FDA said that "energy drinks are not regulated by the government, so we can't do anything about it."
PSI is a manufacturer of various beverages and food products, and is headquartered in Bogotá, Colombia.
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