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Tuesday, February 20 12:00 AM EDT

Ways Harry Potter Dies in Deathly Hallows: Part 2

11.

Neville Longbottom finds out about the prophecy and gets jealous. Pushes Harry to his death down the stairs then bungles attack on Voldemort. Evil wins.

10.

Catches Wizard's Syphilis from Ginny Weasley.

9.

Harry becomes Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and you know how that turns out.

8.

Contracts bird flu from infected owls.

7.

Voldemort snipes him with an Avada Kedavra, then corpse camps Harry for eight hours.

6.

Hagrid crushes his spine doing Heimlich maneuver when Harry chokes on one of Hagrid's biscuits.

5.

"Accio butcher knife" spell goes horribly wrong.

4.

Accidentally walks in on Professor McGonagall naked. Tears eyes out. Bleeds to death.

3.

Unaware that the Pensieve has been replaced by a Fountain of Acid, dips his head in.

2.

Harry begins messianic cult. Gives up hope of ever killing Voldemort. Passes out Deadly Draught to students who complete largest group suicide pact in wizard history.

1.

Blood can't reach brain after a casting Viagrus Eternus on himself.

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