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Tuesday, February 13 12:00 AM EDT

Funny Ways Harry Potter Dies in Deathly Hallows

11.

Gets very drunk on butterbeer and has one-night stand with Dementor. Finds out its "Hump of Despair" is way worse than its "Kiss of Death."

10.

Scar actually a time bomb set by Voldemort, making Harry's head explode in a bloody mist.

9.

Luna Lovegood provides Harry with some bad acid. While tripping, Harry thinks he can fly without his broom and dies jumping from window in astronomy tower.

8.

Heart attack from high cholesterol brought on by a lifetime of eating sausages.

7.

Murdered by Ron after Hermione gets caught holding Harry's wand.

6.

Smothered by Veela breasts.

5.

Disgruntled Snitch frees a bunch of Bludgers and sends them after Harry.

4.

Decapitated by Hogwart's Express in game of "chicken" with Draco Malfoy.

3.

Trampled by a mob of liberated house elves.

2.

Becomes Animagus. Turns into mouse. Gets eaten by Hedwig.

1.

Harry becomes paralyzed when thrown from back of Centaur. Inspires wizarding community with inspirational struggle towards recovery, but dies from bedsore infection.

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