Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.
When you write a story about the Boston Police blowing somebody up and you to get a bunch of BBelievers, that means that your satire is right on track. First, we'll take a look at the people who aren't quite sure..
Sent: Friday, March 02, 2007 11:10 PM
Subject: Boston Police
Is this supposed to be true??
Sent: Friday, March 02, 2007 4:36 PM
Subject: Re:Boston Police Blow Up Suspicious Looking Man
This is a joke, right?
Sent: Friday, March 02, 2007 1:30 PM
Subject: RE: Boston Police Blow Up Suspicious Looking Man
This is a false story. There is no other news on the story, where did you get your information?
I've been found out. I have to stop publishing false stories. I told her I got the information from an inside source. She didn't believe me.
And now for the not so sure...
Sent: Friday, March 02, 2007 5:06 PM
Subject: boston police "forced" to blow up man
It sounds to me like Boston police have gone totally paranoid as well as stupid.
Have they ever heard of communication? Blow up anything that doesn't move for more than 10 minutes?
That would work well on Ted Kennedy.
Sent: Friday, March 02, 2007 1:39 PM
Subject: Boston Police Clerification
Dear Brian Briggs,
I am writing for clarification about your article on Friday, March 2nd titled "Boston Police Blow up Suspicious Looking Man". I severely hope i am miss-reading something but i fear i am not. Was Mr. Johnson killed in this incident, and could you send me more information in general? Thank you.
The story also made it onto the front pages of Digg and Reddit, which made for some enjoyable discussion. Click the comments to see the rest of the fun...
Lets blow up our citizens...to stop terrorism.
did they really blow the guy up for standing still?? i can not be reading this right.
The germ-covered meteor story scared up another BBeliever...
Sent: Thursday, March 01, 2007 3:46 AM
Subject: Giant meteor
Sorry to nitpick on you, but your otherwise excellent article about asteroid ZG-7134 contains a factual error that reveals it to be nothing more than another piece of fear-mongering sensationalism. No bacteria or pathogen can survive "in molten lava". As the size of the asteroid guarantees a complete liquefaction of Earth's crust, any germs on it will be quickly sterilized by the impact. So, there's no need to worry at all. Please stop scaring people just to gain your five minutes of fame.
He don't know me very well, do he?
Another BBeliever writes in looking for his gmail extension to read his mail from World of Warcraft...
Sent: Sunday, March 04, 2007 8:21 PM
Hi, I read this article you wrote a year ago. did this ever happen? If so do you know where I get the mod?
I told him he had to be level 71 to install it.
And finally, a woman sends Esenam Ayele, the Nigerian billionaire who can't give away his money, her bank account number...
My name is xxxxxxxxx I'm a 21 year old looking for help. I recieved a letter from my dad and he told me to look up philanthropist and ask for help on acquiring my dream of becoming a professional wrestler. He knows that I've been working very hard to save up for the schooling and living expenses to move to Atlanta. But taking care of my daughter and helping my mother pay rent, take care of her car and my three brothers and two sisters I can't save enough money to do just that. I read that you were looking for people to help out and I would really appreciate any help that you could give me. I'm not someone trying to just take your money and go gamble it. I'm someone who has worked hard all my life and needs a helping hand. If you are willing to help me I would just need about $50,000 to pay for school, an apartment, travling expenses, and some money to help my mother. My Bank Account number is xxxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you evening if you do not send any money.
I told her to not send her bank account number to anyone in the future.
Apparently germs aren't as much of a concern over the pond...
Sent: Wednesday, February 28, 2007 6:37 AM
To: Brian Briggs
Subject: Germ Covered Meteor
I'm just reading the mailbag and you mentioned that the germ covered meteor story was:
"to poke fun at all the "germs on your cell phone" or "germs on your kitchen sponge" stories that run on local news channels during rating sweeps."
Being Irish and living in Ireland, I have no idea what that means.
However, I do work for an American company.
In their head office (in the USA) they have "hand sanitizers" mounted on all the walls, so that people can clean their hands without having to find a sink. "OK", I thought when I first saw these, "maybe there are good reasons for having them *everywhere*..."
However, then I find out that the Americans working in the company get all scared if someone touches the lip of their water bottle to the nozzle of the water cooler during a refill.
They *actually* had notices up saying not to touch one's bottle off the nozzle!
The strangest thing, however, happened while out to lunch in a Mexican restaurant. Obviously enough, there was a big bowl of salsa and some nachos. I dipped a nacho (which was rather large) and bit off the salsa bit...and then dipped the nacho back in again.
This was met with cries of "no double-dipping!!".
Needless to say, I'd never heard of this before, and had to have it explained to me that my germs might jump off into the salsa and contaminate everyone else at the table.
Anyhoo, I thought the story was a great send-up of your fair nation's obsession with germs, and how the germs would be the worst part of any disaster.
To quote a scottish friend of mine, now raising a family in the germ-free USA: "My kids are going to grow up with no immune system!"
Anyway, thought I'd share.
Yeah, share your germs! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Another reader, who isn't a Ghost Rider fan, wrote in with an opinion on the movie...
Sent: Wednesday, February 28, 2007 7:13 PM
To: Brian Briggs
Subject: Opinions of Ghost Rider
Seriously.. outside of Eva Mendes' (is that right? i can never remember who the drool of the week is) cleavage... to which i give much credit tot he costuming and direction, the movie left no positive impression on me. Granted i'm not a Ghost Rider fan, but i didn't like how they combined the first and second into the same person. The special effects were pretty nice. What drove me into pains of corny despair was when they played "that song" as they rode across the dessert. I could only repeat, they did NOT go there."
So yeah, that was my uber short review of the film, because i can't really think of much else to say about it.
And now for Eragon...
Sent: Wednesday, February 28, 2007 2:47 PM
Subject: Clam and Eragon.
I've been meaning to write to tell you that I'm sorry I didn't heed your advice regarding Eragon. I didn't think the trailer was that bad, and I went to see the movie. I'm not apologizing, I'm just mentioning that I am sorry. I wish I hadn't done that. From now on, I'm going to listen more to your trailer reviews. I've also discontinued my "give a movie a chance even if the first half sucks" practice.
I can't argue with that.
The winner of this year's Geek Limerick contest has volunteered to write a weekly limerick for BBspot. I haven't decided where to put it yet, so this week's I'll put in the Mailbag...
Critics thought that Ann Coulter shouldn't say
"John Edwards is a faggot." Her play
Was to try to retort,
"I just meant it in sport;
Your complaining is totally gay."
That's all for this week!
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