Miami, Fla.--Dora the Explorer was captured today in an early morning raid on a home in Hialeah, Florida. Her sometime-adversary and companion, Swiper, was shot and later pronounced dead by doctors at Junglelife Hospital.
"Dora's seven-year public flaunting of American immigration laws has ended," said U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. "She will be deported immediately to Mexico, Brazil, Suriname, or whatever-the-hell country she came from."
At a packed news conference, Secretary Chertoff reviewed the events that led to the eventual capture of Ms. Explorer and defended the use of force.
U.S. Immigration & Customs Enforcement agents caught up to Ms. Explorer after hundreds of hours of video analysis, including items found during an otherwise bungled raid in December on The Abattoir. In that operation, Ms. Explorer had eluded capture by only a matter of minutes, leaving a video camera and Map behind.
Additionally, Secretary Chertoff credited a "trusted member of her organization" with supplying the DHS with information on her whereabouts. Identifying him only as "Uggs," Secretary Chertoff thanked him for his valuable contribution to the investigation.
A phone tip from the informant led ICE agents to this quiet Miami-area neighborhood yesterday. At precisely 5:40 am, two dozen ICE agents were given the go-ahead to enter the home, where they found Ms. Explorer hiding in a closet.
"Officers entered a second bedroom and saw the masked Swiper reaching for a purple backpack," said Secretary Chertoff. "That backpack could've held anything, and our officers made a split-second decision."
When reached for comment, a spokesperson from Viacom International claimed that Ms. Explorer had supplied them with a false New York birth certificate. Her show will be immediately pulled from Nick Jr. and replaced with "Boots the Explorer."
Persons in possession of Dora the Explorer materials are asked to immediately mail them anywhere south of Texas.