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Friday, February 1 12:00 AM ET

Trailer Review: The Eye

By Brian Briggs

The EyeJessica Alba has built her career based on her good looks awesome acting ability. In this week's trailer, The Eye, she plays a hot blind woman who gets a double corneal transplant to bring back her sight.  That raises an intriguing question: if she's getting two eyes, why is the movie called The Eye singular?  OK, so the question isn't all that intriguing, but this trailer lacks any intrigue, so I'm trying to manufacture some. Work with me here.

It doesn't appear the creators of this film recognize that Jessica has a hot body awesome acting skills, because they don't put her in revealing outfits compelling situations to stretch her abilities as an actress.

The trailer opens with several shots establishing that Jessica Alba is blind. Too many shots.  A shot of her with a white cane would suffice, but they must suspect the targeted audience for this film isn't too bright, so 25% of the trailer is dedicated to establishing her blindness.

Scared
Wow, she almost looks scared!

She's scared about her transplant which you can surmise, because she tells you.  I'm sure in the movie it'll be obvious from her display of emotion, but they had to cut that part from the trailer. 

She awakens from her surgery to find a blurry new world.  The doctor says she might be shocked visually because sites like goatse didn't exist before she went blind.

She returns home with her older sister to a surprise party.  All the blurry faces are overwhelming.  Jessica thinks "Who are these people and why are they looking at my hot body range of emotions?"

Here we are now, halfway into the trailer and still nothing of interest has happened.  Step it up people. 

Alba goes back to the doctor for a checkup and asks him whose eyes she has now.  My guess? Some horny teen kid who hoped to get lucky with her by sacrificing his sight. Ironic, since now he won't be able to marvel at her hot body acting ability without sight of his own.

Acting
Jessica emotes

Finally, the trailer remembers it's for a horror film.  She sees a blurry body down the hall, which disappears quickly.  She senses that something is wrong, but nobody believes her.  She starts seeing more creepy things that no one else sees.

Then the female-empowering rock soundtrack starts pumping.  She's seeing people dying everywhere.  She just wanted to be normal <sob>.  Next, there's an explosion with police cars and broken glass flying into her eyes.  The horror!

The "voice of God" says "The Eye." They could only afford him for two words? I wonder how much he got for that?  I'm sure when converted to an hourly rate it's comparable to the price of printer ink or SMS bandwidth. 

Finally, we get the obvious scare.  I could see the "jump" coming from 5,280 feet.  Alba slowly presses her eye to the peephole in the door.  Then some severely burned human appears and quickly attacks the peephole.  Wow, I'm scared!

Reviewinator

Trailer Quicktime
Starring

Jessica Alba
Parker Posey

Director David Moreau
Xavier Palud
Official Site Link
US Opening

February 1, 2008

Rated PG-13
Run Time 97 minutes
Genre Horror
Explosions 2
Weapons Flying glass
Man Quotient

1.42

Trailer
Déjà Vu
Horror Film of the Week
Geek Factor 10%
See Trailer? No
See Movie? No (confirmed)
Follow Up Here

Fun with IMDb: From the writer of Snakes on a Plane and the star of the ABC Afterschool Special, Too Soon for Jeff comes a thriller from the studio that brought you Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector.

Ending Prognostication: Since I don't normally see movies from this genre, it is going to be harder to predict.  I'll guess the doctor knew where the eyes came from and he's in on the plot.  The people from her visions are aggrieved ghosts looking for justice.  Alba will get justice for them by exposing the doctor, but will lose her sight again. 

Conclusion on Trailer: This trailer lacks any compelling content.  Jessica Alba doesn't excite us, the scares are nonexistent, and the build up takes too long.  I'm more inclined to avoid the movie after watching this, so this trailer gets a great big fail.

Conclusion on Movie:  Unless the producers held back all the interesting material for the movie (I doubt it), then this one is going to be a snooze fest.  Alba can't act, and the lame premise is well, lame.  Let me waste my money on this one, at least I'll get a business expense out of it.

 

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