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Monday, June 2 12:00 AM ET

Jury Clears “Email Forwarder Killer” on Grounds of Justifiable Homicide

By Brian Briggs

San Jose, CA – Neil Spengler, dubbed the Email Forwarder Killer by the press, was cleared of all charges in the murder of his aunt Marsha Chilton after a jury agreed with the defense of “justifiable homicide” by the defendant. 

“We’re disappointed by the decision, but it’s not a surprising ruling given the tech-savvy demographic in San Jose,” said San Jose district attorney Travis Ledford.  “I probably would’ve killed Aunt Marsha myself.”

Spengler killed his Aunt Marsha after countless attempts to stop her from forwarding him pictures of cats, urban legends and other annoying email were unsuccessful. He strangled her with the cable from her own keyboard just as she was forwarding a message about Barack Obama being Jewish.

Outside the courtroom, a relieved Spengler told the press that he was “sorry he killed his aunt, but she left him no choice.  I emailed her, I called her, I punched her at a family BBQ, but she still kept sending me those messages.  I set up a filter for her messages, but she set up different email addresses to get through. I’m glad the jury saw that I had no other decision.”

The jury deliberated just three hours before coming back with the verdict.  Jury foreperson Erica Elmore said, “I have an Uncle Larry, who does the same thing to me, so I knew how Mr. Spengler felt.  All of us on the jury have someone like that in our lives.  It was a simple decision. I sure hope Uncle Larry is watching.”

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Police fear that the decision will lead to many other killings, and warned people that if they’re told to stop, that they should stop forwarding email. Police Chief Bob Edwards said, “Unless you enjoy taking chances with your life then you might want to think twice before forwarding that email about Mars being the size of the moon.”

Spengler faced twenty-five years to life in prison on the murder charges.  He will now go back to working as a “genius” at the Apple store in San Jose.

 

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