BBspot


Archives
 
BBlog
Happy Thanksgiving and a BBeliever Daily Links - 11/10/11 Daily Links - 11/2/11
BBloopers
Fun at Sea
Football Fans
Great College
Top 11
Top 11 Things Geeks Would Do After Being Rescued from a Mine
PC Weenies
The Neverending Story
Gratuity Not Included
Uptime Downtime
Geek Horoscopes
Random Geek Horoscopes
Classics
How White and Nerdy Are You?
Bush Proposes Faith- Based Firewalls for Government Computers
Microsoft Purchases Evil From Satan
Slashdot Story Generator
Which OS Are You?
Teen Using MySpace to Lure Bands to Los Angeles
The BBook of Geek
Recommended
Fark
[H]ard Folding Team
The Toque
Worth 1000
Joe the Peacock
PC Weenies
Mental Floss
Smashing Games
Free Codecs
SlushFactory
Geek Press
Wil Wheaton
Jonathan Coulton
I-Mockery
Um... Things
Jokes Gallery
Funny Pictures
More Links

Friday, April 17 12:00 AM ET

Trailer Review: Crank 2: High Voltage

By Brian Briggs

Crank 2This trailer for Crank 2: High Voltage isn't even trying. Despite starring award-winning actor Jason Statham, it's full of more stupidity in two and a half minutes than a Jeff Foxworthy concert. The trailer for the first Crank starts with "my name is Chev Chelios and today is the day I die." Well, he got better (any similarity to Monty Python and the Holy Grail is completely coincidental).

For this trailer, Chelios informs us that it was a lie. He didn't die. He managed to survive a several thousand feet drop from a helicopter onto the top of a car. I had trouble believing the fall in Fast and Furious, but this is ridiculous.

He was resuscitated and Chinese gangsters who kept him alive to harvest his organs. They replaced his heart with a mechanical one. The trailer alludes to the fact that next on the list is his penis. Chelios rises from the bed and shouts, "They can take my heart, but they can never take my penis!"

Zombie Statham
Why doesn't this
guy have an Oscar yet?

He jumps up and beats up the two doctors performing the penisectomy. If you've ever known anyone who's had heart surgery, you know how ridiculous this is.

Not often you see a product placement in a trailer, but the iPhone makes an appearance early in this one.

The heart comes with an external battery pack with lights. One light means, he's got one hour of charge. A wacky doctor tells him that if Chev can get his heart back that he can put it back in. Reality 0, Crank 2.

In the next moment Chelios goes flying through the windshield of the car. If you slow down the video, you'll see that even though he's driving, he's not behind the steering wheel. He flies what looks like fifty feet through the air, and remains unharmed.

And that's when things start to get ridiculous. He's got to take electric shocks to his system to keep the battery pack charged. He convinces some guys on the street to hook up some jumper cables to their car so he can shock himself. He clips one cable to his right nipple then clamps the other end to his tongue.

Hump
Stay classy, Statham

I'm not a doctor, but I believe it would be more effective on the left side since that's where the heart is. Also, could've just touched the leads to his body instead of clipping them, as they're bare metal. Reality remains shut out.

After a shootout in a night club, we switch to the drug lord estate protected by women in bikinis with automatic weapons. They make several appearances throughout the trailer. While I'm not one to dislike such scenes, that doesn't make them any less stupid.

More fight scenes, then another ridiculous battery charging scene. The doctor tells him to rub up against people to create a static electric charge. This leads to Chelios dry humping an old woman on the street. Total LOL for the Deuce Bigalow crowd.

Even more fight sequences, then Chelios recharges by licking his finger and sticking it in the cigarette lighter of his car.

Reviewinator

Trailer Quicktime
Starring

Jason Statham
Amy Smart

Director Mark Neveldine
Brian Taylor
Official Site Link
US Opening

April 17, 2009

Rated R
Genre Ridiculous Action
Explosions 1
Weapons Fist, SMG, handgun, assault rifle, shotgun, rifle butt, whip, taser, night stick, machete, poleaxe
Man Quotient

12.6

Trailer
Déjà Vu
Crank
Geek Factor 1%
See Trailer? No
See Movie? No
Follow Up Unlikely

Then, you guessed it, more fight scenes, then Chelios recharges by grabbing onto two insulators. Those familiar with the properties of insulators will know this isn't the best way to create an electric current. Not that any other part of this movie came close to reality.

As a final note, I think the marketers of this movie also wrote the reasons for why it is rated R. The MPAA rating says, "Frenetic strong bloody violence throughout, crude and graphic sexual content, nudity and pervasive language, superior stupidity and ignorance of the laws of physics."

Ending prognostication: Does it really matter how this one ends? He dies in the first one, and is back in the second one. My guess is that he gets his heart back, and violently destroys his enemies. Then he dies, setting up Crank 3: Totally Fucking Ridiculous

Conclusion on Trailer: Statham manages to out-stupid his previous releases with this one. I get that it's supposed to be over-the-top, but sometimes you can go too far. People who like shiny things might enjoy it, but if you like using your brain, you'll want to avoid it.

Conclusion on Movie: If you're into brainless action movies with lots of violence then you might enjoy this one, but I can think of better things to spend your money on. Avoid this one, and hopefully Jason Statham will never make another movie again.

Images created on aviary.com.

Story Options:
Related
Discuss
Share
Print
 
Previous Story:

Nintendo Releasing Wii Marching Band, Gregorian Chants
Next Story:

Top 11 Signs You've Got a Mortgage Application from a Geek

 
 
RSS Feed Subscribe
Follow on Twitter Follow Us on Twitter
Facebook Fan Us on Facebook
Google Buzz Follow Us on Buzz
Amazon Find the BBook

 

  Politics Contact FAQs
A
D

sharepoint survey web part - make money online

Copyright 1999-2011 by BBspot LLC
BBspot is a tech satire news and geek humor source, and meant to be funny.
If you are easily offended, gullible, or don't have a sense of humor, we suggest you go elsewhere. Those without the geek gene activated should also avoid this site.