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Wednesday, September 16 12:00 AM ET

Newspapers Warn of Unchecked Tree Growth

By Brian Briggs follow me on Twitter.

 

New York City - The Coalition to Save Newspapers (CSN) warned that without newspapers children may grow up in a world of unchecked tree growth.

Harold Lumbergh, President of CSN, said, "Newspapers keep the world safe from trees. Without newspapers, we would live in a world with trees growing everywhere. Kids fall from trees and break their arms. Trees get struck by lightning and fall on homes. Drunk drivers run into trees and die. Just imagine living in a world with millions more trees? It'd be a death trap."

CSN has lobbied for many years to turnaround the fortunes of struggling newspapers. They unsuccessfully lobbied to have free newspapers pulled from libraries in 2003. In 2005, their plan to implant chips in everyone's head so they could charge for each word read was rejected.

"Both those plans would've boosted revenue to newspapers, and helped stem the tide of world domination by trees," said Lumbergh.

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Many organizations welcome the death of newspapers and the coming of our new tree overlords. Area Wiccan Beth Stern said, "We must be at one with nature. The trees are our friends, and must not be killed for paper. Squirrels on the other hand..."

Most analysts predict that even with the threat of world domination by tree, newspapers will continue to die a slow lingering death. "There's nothing newspapers can do to stop this. They'd be better off telling people that rolling up and smoking the comics section makes you feel funny than this kind of drivel," said Hal Newhouser of Dreck Consulting.

Trees interviewed for this story did not make any comment.

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