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Thursday, December 10 12:00 AM ET

Rupert Murdoch to Remove News Corp Sites from Internet

By Brian Briggs follow me on Twitter.
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New York, NY - At the News2You Media Conference in Manhattan today, Rupert Murdoch announced that beginning January 1, 2010 all News Corp sites would be removed from the Internet and placed on BBS style systems only accessible with dial-up modems and monthly subscription.

Rupert MurdochMurdoch has recently threatened to pull the company's sites from Google's search index, but this more drastic measure was unexpected.

The News Corp CEO said, "The skulduggery of the rapscallions at Google and other search engines to display sentences of material from our websites in their search results shows just how far these pus-sucking mongrels will go to in furthering their agenda of a Communist takeover of the Internet."

Murdoch was asked why the sites were removed from the Internet, and not just from Google's index. He responded, "We need to protect our intellectual property from the nefarious whickerdoodies on the Internet. If it's connected to the tubes then they can get it for free. When they get it for free I don't make any money, and when I don't get any money Jesus weeps. The logic leads to only one course of action and we took it."

All News Corps sites were being redesigned to function on the Wildcat BBS software, and engineers have been working furiously to install Hayes 9600 baud modems to handle the load.

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Google CEO Eric Schmidt said, "Murdoch can run, but he can't hide. Our spiders are able to auto-dial these BBSes and index their information. If they block those, we'll tunnel through the electrical wires into their servers, and if that doesn't work we'll flip on the Matrix."

Analysts agree that consumers will be the big winner. "With the garbage the News Corp spews off the Internet, surfers will enjoy a much better web experience," said Valerie Hufnagle of Bear Stearns.

News Corp stock was down on the news.

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