Washington D.C. - Americans, still reeling after Sammy Sosa was ejected from
a baseball game for using a corked bat, now have another corking
story to face. Doctors at the Bethesda Naval Hospital announced that
a routine brain scan of Vice-president Dick Cheney revealed that
he was corked.
Dick Cheney's Brain
"We're not sure why this didn't show up on previous medical
examinations. We can only speculate that possibly this isn't the
Vice-president the President has been using, or maybe he's been recently
corked," said Dr. Hamala who examined Cheney.
Hamala explained that further examinations revealed that not only
was the Vice-president brain made entirely of cork, but all his internal
organs were as well. "The Vice-president is completely corked," said
President Bush denied knowing that Cheney was corked. "I promise
the American people that I had no idea he was corked," said
Bush. "I was given several choices for Vice-president during
the campaign, and I just picked him. I know I probably should've
checked, and for that I am deeply sorry."
The Democratic presidential candidates were quick to attack the
President on this issue. North Carolina Senator John Edwards at a
campaign stop in Maine said, "You have to ask yourself was the
President using a corked Vice-president when the tax cut was passed?
Maybe the entire congress was corked when that was passed. I think
it taints his presidency."
Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle asked for an independent counsel
to investigate how deeply the corking goes. "Is the entire cabinet
corked?" said Daschle.
A source inside the White House said he was "surprised it was
Cheney and not the President, himself who had cork for brain." These
feelings mirror a recent poll by USA Today which showed 52% of Americans
believed Bush lacked brain matter, while only 15% thought Cheney
Bush claims that he would've won the 2000 election even without
a corked Vice-president and Al Gore, when contacted at his home in
Tennessee declined comment, but he did release a written statement
which read, "It appears I wasn't the only one who was wooden
on the campaign trail in 2000."
Chicago resident and baseball fan, Aaron Henry said, "First
Sammy (Sosa) and now the President? I can't believe it. The next
thing you know they'll tell us that Jenna Jameson was using a corked
dildo all those years."
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