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Washington D.C. - Americans, still reeling after Sammy Sosa was ejected from
a baseball game for using a corked bat, now have another corking
story to face. Doctors at the Bethesda Naval Hospital announced that
a routine brain scan of Vice-president Dick Cheney revealed that
he was corked.
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Vice-president
Dick Cheney's Brain
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"We're not sure why this didn't show up on previous medical
examinations. We can only speculate that possibly this isn't the
Vice-president the President has been using, or maybe he's been recently
corked," said Dr. Hamala who examined Cheney.
Hamala explained that further examinations revealed that not only
was the Vice-president brain made entirely of cork, but all his internal
organs were as well. "The Vice-president is completely corked," said
Ramala.
President Bush denied knowing that Cheney was corked. "I promise
the American people that I had no idea he was corked," said
Bush. "I was given several choices for Vice-president during
the campaign, and I just picked him. I know I probably should've
checked, and for that I am deeply sorry."
The Democratic presidential candidates were quick to attack the
President on this issue. North Carolina Senator John Edwards at a
campaign stop in Maine said, "You have to ask yourself was the
President using a corked Vice-president when the tax cut was passed?
Maybe the entire congress was corked when that was passed. I think
it taints his presidency."
Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle asked for an independent counsel
to investigate how deeply the corking goes. "Is the entire cabinet
corked?" said Daschle.
A source inside the White House said he was "surprised it was
Cheney and not the President, himself who had cork for brain." These
feelings mirror a recent poll by USA Today which showed 52% of Americans
believed Bush lacked brain matter, while only 15% thought Cheney
was brainless.
Bush claims that he would've won the 2000 election even without
a corked Vice-president and Al Gore, when contacted at his home in
Tennessee declined comment, but he did release a written statement
which read, "It appears I wasn't the only one who was wooden
on the campaign trail in 2000."
Chicago resident and baseball fan, Aaron Henry said, "First
Sammy (Sosa) and now the President? I can't believe it. The next
thing you know they'll tell us that Jenna Jameson was using a corked
dildo all those years." More
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