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Thursday,  June 5 12:01 AM EDT

Doctors Reveal Bush Using Corked Vice-president

By Brian Briggs

Washington D.C. - Americans, still reeling after Sammy Sosa was ejected from a baseball game for using a corked bat, now have another corking story to face. Doctors at the Bethesda Naval Hospital announced that a routine brain scan of Vice-president Dick Cheney revealed that he was corked.

Vice-president Dick Cheney's Brain

"We're not sure why this didn't show up on previous medical examinations. We can only speculate that possibly this isn't the Vice-president the President has been using, or maybe he's been recently corked," said Dr. Hamala who examined Cheney.

Hamala explained that further examinations revealed that not only was the Vice-president brain made entirely of cork, but all his internal organs were as well. "The Vice-president is completely corked," said Ramala.

President Bush denied knowing that Cheney was corked. "I promise the American people that I had no idea he was corked," said Bush. "I was given several choices for Vice-president during the campaign, and I just picked him. I know I probably should've checked, and for that I am deeply sorry."

The Democratic presidential candidates were quick to attack the President on this issue. North Carolina Senator John Edwards at a campaign stop in Maine said, "You have to ask yourself was the President using a corked Vice-president when the tax cut was passed? Maybe the entire congress was corked when that was passed. I think it taints his presidency."

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Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle asked for an independent counsel to investigate how deeply the corking goes. "Is the entire cabinet corked?" said Daschle.

A source inside the White House said he was "surprised it was Cheney and not the President, himself who had cork for brain." These feelings mirror a recent poll by USA Today which showed 52% of Americans believed Bush lacked brain matter, while only 15% thought Cheney was brainless.

Bush claims that he would've won the 2000 election even without a corked Vice-president and Al Gore, when contacted at his home in Tennessee declined comment, but he did release a written statement which read, "It appears I wasn't the only one who was wooden on the campaign trail in 2000."

Chicago resident and baseball fan, Aaron Henry said, "First Sammy (Sosa) and now the President? I can't believe it. The next thing you know they'll tell us that Jenna Jameson was using a corked dildo all those years."

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