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Wednesday, July 2 12:01 AM EST

BBspot Mailbag

Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.

Believers

The Jar-Jaromir story caught this guy, though I can't really blame him. I'd like to see a trailer for RotK too...

From: Miguel
Sent: Monday, June 30, 2003 2:05 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: ROTK Trailer

Hey, I was reading the news about the new character in ROTK and a trailer to ROTK was mentioned. Is there a trailer to the ROTK!

Could you please phrase your questions as questions and not exclamations!

The Tivo story got read on-air during the Deminski and Doyle show...

From: Josh
Sent: Thursday, June 26, 2003 5:19 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: TIVO Gal Feature

I was listening to 97.1 FM this afternoon in Detroit. Diminski and Doyle were discussing the new Tivo, and I was surprised to hear them basically quoting your article. I thought you’d like to know. They did mention the URL though, and the sites name. After about 20 minutes, someone must have called them and gave them the heads-up on the fact your site is satire.

Please don't send these guys a link to the dMac story.

Indestructible Piñata

People either loved or hated the Piñata story, some thought it was out of place on BBspot and would've been more at home on The Onion, but others found humor in the reality...

From: el pirate
Sent: Tuesday, June 24, 2003 1:56 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Fucking Piñata Finally Breaks

this sooo happened at my friend's kid's birthday party. It ended with a 35 y.o. violently whacking the stupid thing with a baseball bat... the funny part being that the piñata he had been (and the one shown in your picture is) of a new "nonviolent" type where each child is supposed to walk up to the piñata and pull one of the ribbons hanging from the bottom, when the right ribbon is pulled the candy is released. The theory is that instead of teaching kids to hit things with a bat you get the same thrill of anticipation but in a gentle and loving way (pulling ribbons out of sponge bob's butt). It appears, however, that it actually leads to greater violence....

The Bush Doctrine

Some stories just don't fit in well in the regular rotation of BBspot stories, but are still worth perusing...

China Cites Bush Doctrine in Surprise Attack on US
by Not Listed

Chinese President Hu Jintao gave a press conference today, hours after the surprise attack on several major US cities.

“For nearly a century, we have been doing two things: building our armies, and looking for an excuse to destroy America. With his Gulf War Sequel, President Bush has given us the political justification for this.”

According to Jintao, his attack had to meet five criteria to qualify for consideration under the Bush Doctrine.

  1. The country must be proportionally smaller than yours, and located on the other side of the world.
  2. They have to have a system of government you have trained your citizens to loathe.
  3. They must be suspected of, but not necessarily proven to have, weapons of
    mass destruction.
  4. Their citizens must speak a different language than your citizens.
  5. Their nation must possess resources or trinkets of value, which can be divided amongst your allies once the conflict is over.

“We had been planning to take some kind of military action for months,” stated Military Leader Jiang Zemin, “but when they prevented our weapons inspectors from searching their country for nuclear weapons, that was when we knew we had to take action.”

President Bush responded quickly to the threat by ordering planes to drop
food and pamphlets on Chinese soil in retaliation for the shower of missiles
and bombs that decimated much of the west coast. He was quoted as saying,
"My advisers and I believe this situation can still be resolved diplomatically [sic], without the use of military force."

France and Germany applauded the initiative of the Chinese Government in a
joint press release shortly after the attacks, while beatniks across the
United States protested American involvement in the war.

White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer gave a statement today condemning
the attacks and demanding that General Tso’s Chicken be renamed General
Lee’s Chicken.

Chinese President Hu concluded his comments by saying, “plus, with the
United States out of the way, we can finally get back at Japan for that
little stunt where they tried to invade our country during World War II.
Honestly, what were they thinking?”

That's all for this week!

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